10 Airports To Propose In That Will Guarantee Your Lover Says No

In December 2020, when former “Mayor Pete” Buttigieg was announced to be President Biden’s new Transport Secretary, he suggested his transport expertise was evidenced by him proposing to husband Chasten at Chicago O’Hare International Airport.

Faced with the total mind-boggler that is the image of someone going down on one knee in the United terminal (please tell me you took your pants to the dry cleaners after that!), we compiled this list to let you know where NOT to follow in Pete’s footsteps. Just in case you felt inspired by the romantic gesture of the former Mayor of South Bend to make a similarly grand proposal, please pick a better option than the ones listed here. 

10. San Francisco: Unless you think your love can survive interminable weather delays, try somewhere else

9. Washington Dulles: Impossible airport with a strangely apt name. Once your marriage is as dull as it probably will be, you will regret this choice til death do you part.

8. LAX: This airport is so big it is essentially its own city. She will go to the bathroom to fix her make-up after shedding the tears of the newly engaged, and you will never see her again.

7. Newark: You thought you were flying into New York City, the gran manzana, coolest of cool? The disillusionment when you realize you are actually stuck in New Jersey will only be matched by waking up with the same person for 50 years.

6. Atlanta: Do not propose marriage at a major airline hub. You will run into your ex and it will be very awkward. Or her ex. Potentially worse. Maybe you have the same ex. Way too much chance for drama.

5. Chicago Midway: Midway between Chicago and where? What? Chicago Middle-of-Nowhere would be a better name. Unless you plan to settle in Wisconsin, best avoid this place.

4. Miami: If you think you will celebrate your new engagement with the sounds of salsa – that won’t happen here. The only sounds you will hear are loudspeakers announcing flight cancellations.

3. La Guardia: Unless you plan to celebrate your new engagement by having a $100 inedible meal, this is not the place for new beginnings.

2. Orlando: If you think babies may be on the horizon for you and your betrothed, avoid this airport at all cost. Being surrounded by sugared-up children on their way to Disneyworld will not inspire her to say yes. You even may never have sex again. 

And of course the absolute undisputed number one of all time is …

1. Chicago O’Hare: What the H were they thinking? You would be lucky to find your gate here, let alone real love. Of course, we adore Pete and his husband and the LGBTQ+ trailblazing they have done. But O’Hare? Really?

Lalita Dee
Author: Lalita Dee
Lalita Dee is a writer and comedian originally from Amsterdam. Her observational and narrative humor describes her queer experiences as she navigates her way through the US, the heteropatriarchy, and single motherhood. Her humor has been described as “intelligently hilarious” as well as “some feminist BS."