The 10 Best Crystals For Finding Your Inner Calm After Your Boss Said Your Master’s Degree Doesn’t Matter

1. Labradorite: This pearly blue beauty treats gut health and relieves anxiety. Even though it looks like it tastes like Blue Curacao, it doesn’t. You’ll be so distracted reminding yourself not to lick it that you won’t remember what Linda said during your employee review this morning.

2. Bloodstone: While it’s not the prettiest healing stone out there, this ugly little rock packs a wallop by cleansing your space of negative energy, mostly put out by that craggy bitch Linda.

3. Citrine: This glittery yellow streak of sunshine is here to bring abundance into your life; citrine will never tell you “your master’s degree just isn’t that valuable in this market.”

4. Amethyst: Ancient Greeks believed this purple treasure prevented drunkenness, but that’s obviously bullshit because you’re getting called into HR later this afternoon. Fucking Linda.

5. Turquoise: Inner calm is what you need right now, so don’t avoid this culturally appropriated cowboy rock.

6. Green Jasper: Enhance your awareness of your surroundings. Green Jasper can help you keep your voice down and use incognito browsers to look for other jobs.

7. Clear Quartz: Not just your basic starter crystal for baby witches, clear quartz also helps you gain clarity and guide your dreams. You remember having dreams before Linda killed them, don’t you? 

8. Fluorite: You have to meet with HR in ten minutes so take a second and squeeze some fluorite to dispel that chaotic energy you’re carrying around.

9. Tiger’s Eye: As the security guard waits for you to clean out your desk, don’t forget your tiger’s eye, which promotes prosperity and wealth.

10. Concrete: It’s lucky you found this big grey hunk in the parking lot. This goes great through Linda’s windshield.

Megan J. Kaleita
Author: Megan J. Kaleita
Megan's book about shitty jobs, This Book is Brought To You By My Student Loans, is available through Clash Books. You can find fiction at Luna Station Quarterly and Hello Horror, and her nonfiction in Daily Drunk Mag, Ravishly, LitReactor, and Spoonie Magazine.