Support the USPS by using it like a battleship. Sky’s the limit when sending aggressively confusing items to your ex-lover’s porch. Glitter bombs are popular. Packages that have “Enhancement Supplements” written all over the front are classically hilarious. This article will give you the best ways to get revenge on your exes, coworkers and terrible friends without getting Covid.
1. If they ghosted you. Send them a cursed item. Consider mailing a skipping record player that asks how the noise band is doing, even when they unplug it. Send five porcelain dolls that you could have sworn you saw smiling one time….hm….
2. If they broke up through text. Subscribe their number to all the local activist organizations. Inform them; annoy them. Blow up their phone like they blew up your heart. *Data rates may apply.
3. If you met on Tinder. Create a fake account including all of their problematic fetishes. Get them to send you money. Cha-ching.
4. If you met via Zoom. In this case do send them a glitter bomb. It will explode in their room and the target will be forced to enter every Zoom meeting with a tacky picture of Florida as their background.
5. If it’s your roommate. Eat at a badly reviewed Taco Bell. Fart up the living room. Revenge will be served cold, and delivered with no contact.
6. If it’s a frat guy. Invite him to a party at your place, “no masks required ;).” As soon as he steps on your property, shoot him and spray him with bear mace. In that order.
7. If they have a car. Step one: get your pockets full of bread crumbs. Step two: walk past the target’s car. Step three: discreetly throw pocket crumbs to the roof of the target’s car. Last step: Wait for the pigeons to come. The birds will eat the crumbs. The birds will poop on their car. Job well done.
8. If they are homophobic. Invite them on a date donating blood at the Red Cross. Call the donuts at the end a “nice restaurant.” Wave goodbye and never talk to them again.
9. If they order takeout. Replace every no contact delivery with a Little Caesars’ Hot-n-Ready pizza. I promise you, they will be Not-f’n-Ready. For added confusion: add chopsticks and soy sauce packets to their takeout bag.
10. If they fired you. Send anonymous DoorDash deliveries from the poorly-rated Taco Bell on their lunch break. Have them fart up the whole office. They’ll get the memo.
Image: Lucifer Netflix