4 TikTok Dances to Perform on Your 5150 Gurney

God, social media is basically a full-time job lately. As you scroll through TikTok and notice your posts aren’t doing the numbers you want, that familiar pain in your chest begins to build. Oh god, are you having a heart attack? It’s time to go to the ER… but you’re scheduled to upload content today, dammit!

 Never fear! We’ve got you covered.

 Here are 4 TikTok Dances to Perform on your 5150 Gurney:

 1. “I’ve Been Lonely (Ooh, Ahh”) – Perform this bonafide hit while laying down on your gurney and explaining to the attendant nurse why you’re doing great other than your chest feeling like it’s going to explode sometimes. When you get to the lalalala part, ask them to harmonize with you!

2. “I’m Getting Ripped Tonight” – You’re scaring the other patients with your existential musings. Boogie to this classic as you’re being carted down the hall to a more private room. After you lift up your biceps for the first part of the dance, point your thumbs at yourself and add “RIP to ME, PLEASE!”

*Don’t forget to like other people’s videos while you’re a patient in the ER or the algorithm will chew you up and spit you out like the old has-been you’ve always known you are*

3. “We Like The Cars that Go Boom” – Vroom vroom! Dance to this fun and flirty choreo while you’re in the ambulance on your way to the mental hospital. Ask the paramedic to unclip your right hand so you can do that cute driving hand move! Just make sure not to overextend the arm hooked up to fluids 😉 

4. “Feelin’ Good Like I Should” – Ahhh, this feels NICE. Perform this guy after the tranquilizer hits and you realize through a drugged haze that life can take a million paths but instead of moving forward you’ve spent all your time on this godforsaken app and you’re running out of time… And don’t forget to mime the little finger man walking up your arm!

Wow, what a journey. As your 3 day 5150 visit winds to a close, make sure to check your follower count on TikTok, ‘cuz if you did all of the above correctly, it should be up up up, like your heart rate! 

Ari Friedman
Author: Ari Friedman
Ari is a queer writer/director working in television. She unironically enjoys The Bachelor + spinoffs and knows this will ultimately irreparably tarnish her brand. She's trying to get ahead of that, is it working?