If you want to lower your fashion carbon footprint, try some of these stylish vintage pieces! Incidentally, if you wear these items, you will also smell like the remains of a mummified boy king. A debilitating combo of putrid, sour, rank. Honestly, nothing you want to be associated with. Read on for some fresh lewk inspo!
1. Fringed Pashmina: Swaddle yourself in this flowy scarf to style a cozy, textured outfit that smells like death. This item is hand wash only, which means that more likely than not, no one’s ever taken the time to actually wash it, and let’s be real, you’re not about to suddenly break the streak. (You’re no martyr, just a thrifty fashionista praying that cool clothes will make you seem interesting). Careful when you wear this gorgeous pashmina that you don’t let the fringe accidentally droop onto the floor. Actually, don’t worry about it, because from the smell of it, that has already happened approximately a million times.
2. Mod Shift Dress: Channel your inner Peggy Olson with this totally far-out pattern. This shift dress is both professional and flirty and would do well as a transitional day-to-night outfit. Be warned, though, that in all contexts, this dress will smell like absolute ass. Mummified ass, to be precise.
3. Vintage Levi 501s: This classic style is back, baby! Shout out to Gen Z for revitalizing this awesome cut of denim that never should have gone out of style. But if you still had your O.G. 501s, you’d be wearing a pair of pants that smelled like, you know, laundry detergent, as opposed to this found vintage pair that smells like a confusing mixture of embalming fluid and decomposed skin. Why do they smell like that???
4. Plaid Flannel ‘90s Vest: Get ready to frustrate your dry cleaner by bringing him this patchwork flannel number. At first glance, he’ll be up for the challenge of laundering a garment as unique and delicate as this one. But as soon as he takes a whiff, he’ll be so profoundly sad that this offensive odor is wreaking havoc on his respectable place of business. Why did you have to involve him in your sick games?
5. ‘70s Letterman Jacket: Truly a must-have for any vintage lover, a classic, authentic letterman can be customized with any patches you want. But for the sake of those who may approach you, consider adorning your jacket with patches that spell out, “CAUTION: SMELLS LIKE DEAD BODY.”
Okay, you’ve been warned. As stunning as these vintage clothes look, they smell infinitely worse. Have you ever left a banana in your backpack and found it a week later? Well, take that smell and multiply it by 3300 years, which is how long ago King Tut died. That’s what these clothes smell like.