1. Evaluate the outfit. Flannels are a green light for lumberjack fantasies. Doesn’t matter that you’re in the hipster section of Old Navy. Doesn’t matter that there’s a 50% off Labor Day sale on flannels only at Old Navy. Flannels. Are. A. Go. Any type of blemish is also a green light. Those ripped jeans with paint on them are totally not from H&M and are actually totally from sanding and staining the deck.
2. Assess your environment. Are you in aisle 5, 6, 13, 17, or 19 of Home Depot? Woodworking. Anywhere else and the chances of woodworking decline, but not nearly enough to rule it out. I mean, woodworking could be done anywhere, anytime. It’s best to look for clues that only support your initial hypothesis. Are you standing by a tree? Are any tree or wood items near you at all? C’mon, there’s got to be one- aha! A used match on the ground. We’ve got all the evidence we need, boys.
3. Drink lots of cranberry juice. Find someone recreating that one Tik Tok, push them off the skateboard they don’t know how to ride anyway, and steal that juice. You need it more than them. You’re trying to cover all your bases here so that you can ride that denial train pain-free. In any case, UTI’s are temporary and simping for underqualified cishet men is forever.
4. What even is wood anyway? Trees make wood, which makes other stuff. Technically a magazine is like 80 pieces of very thinly sliced wood glued together. So when I was watching this guy I was dating collage for two hours, it was actually super hot and not boring because it was actttuuaally a manly display of heteronormativity. If a man pulls out cash from his wallet- more wood. He’s got portable, wallet-sized wood to carry around to work on? This man has his priorities straight.
5. What even are trees anyway? What are plants if not tiny trees? When I see a man at the garden supply store and his hands are crusted with mud, I just bite my lip and say that man is a damn good looking woodworker. As he picks up small pots of basil and petunias, I think about how nice these plants will look on the table he built. What a man’s man he is. Remember to call his gardening hand trowel a “big, huge shovel” and follow him home. If his house is made of wood, you’ll know you have the man of your dreams.
