1. Pierot
If a french film could be a clown- it would be a pierrot. Black and white, sensitive, and artistic. This is the greatest costume to wear when unblocking your ex on Instagram because, just like hitting the unblock button and re-blocking in two hours, it is the epitome of grief. You can mourn the articles of clothing you’ve lost to former lovers while making them into a flowy costume. The sweater and pointy white hat you lent to your hot agender barista during a cold drive-in date would be a perfect addition.
2. Court jester
Anyone who is codependent is constantly wearing this outfit. From strangers at a party to the family you’ve known for years, you will shapeshift and try to entertain whoever you are with. Attention equals affection, right? Haha. Ha. Ahem.
3. Birthday clown
You started the relationship a happy, calm person just trying to have fun. Maybe do a magic trick once or twice. Suddenly, your role has turned into keeping tantrums to a minimum. In my professional experience, being the only pillar in helping a manic depressive person fix their life is a lot like trying to make the crying birthday boy happy while his parents are getting wine drunk. I have professional experience in both of those areas.
4. Mime
Technically, this is not a clown- just like you technically were never dating. Yet you are sad and pine for what could have been. You’re trapped in an imaginary box of mourning. You would go through old pictures but there are none. You even forget their name sometimes. But the pain remains.
5. Circus clown
You are one of ten people stuffed into a car. Much to your dismay, you are one of a rotation of side pieces in this relationship. You thought there was no way this many people could fit into one space. But somehow your ex, in this case, symbolized by the clown car, managed to fit all of this in with a full-time job. Weirdly impressive.
6. Rodeo clown
This turbulent relationship was fun at the beginning. The random road trips and creative dates gave you a sense of spontaneity. But now that you’ve realized you were engaged to a narcissist, you have also become damaged in a way that is completely unredeemable. You’ve been hit by the bulls too many times. Being codependent only makes you more susceptible to narcissist entrapments. Buuuut, you gotta take life by the horns, right? Yolo.
