6 Slutty Outfits to Wear While Picking Up Your Meds

1. Long sleeve shirt with fringe, wide brim hat, gun holster, assless chaps

You have a right to feel unique in this outfit. You’re showing your beautiful glutes while keeping it profesh in the front. If anyone accuses you of stealing this look from the North American cattle herders and ranch hands, then simply reply, “I’m NOT a coWBOY, I’m a rootin’ tootin’ dude who doesn’t eat gluten and is obsessed with Rasputin.”

2. Regina George shirt with holes on the boobs…but there’s no shirt underneath, just nipples

Add one bonus point for every long nipple hair you have. Additional bonus points for each nipple piercing! The objective here is to maintain eye contact with the pharmacist for as long as possible. If you can maintain an entire conversation where your nipples do not come up, then you get 500 bonus points. We all know CVS can get cold, but if you can manage to get one nipple hard and one soft- you’ve won the game! 

3. Just a mask

Now, it truly makes a difference what kind of mask you have on. Double masking says, “I know how to take care of myself and be safe,” and people nod with respect as you pass through the aisles. A surgical mask says “I’m that sexy nurse from the Blink-182 album, and I’m ready to take your temperature and ask if you’ve experienced any covid symptoms.”

4. A three-piece suit made of tulle, plus a diamond pocket watch 

A true power suit. Walk in, snatch your SSRI’s, and catwalk out of that Rite Aid. Come back because your insurance didn’t go through and you have to pay out of pocket. There is nothing in your pockets except a diamond-encrusted pocket watch attached to you by a sterling silver chain. 

5. A fitted sheet wrapped around you like a dress

The bell of the ball, or the most insane yet hot person at the pharmacy. You’ll get lips flapping as you head to the counter wearing your Winnie the Pooh fitted twin sheets like a Dolce & Gabbana ball gown at the Met Gala. You’re there to pick up the allergy medication that your friend said is really fun. They refuse to sell it to you. 

6. Pizza hut uniform with the top button undone

It’s against company policy, but we won’t tell. It’ll be our little secret. Now state your name and birthday and what meds you’re picking up loud enough that everyone, I mean the pharmacist, can hear you. Louder, they’re behind plexiglass and standing 6 feet away.

Bex Nava
Author: Bex Nava
Bex is a UC Davis alumni who started their own standup and improv clubs on campus. They are now on a journey to make comedy more inclusive and accessible. Find them one day running a queer cafe/comedy venue.