When it comes to picking out your perfect indoor plant, it’s important to factor in the childhood demons that turned you into a barely functioning adult. We all know you can’t handle the responsibility and commitment of watering something everyday. Forget facing your weaknesses head on and, instead, settle for a drought and avoidant-attachment resistant succulent.
1. Jade
Picking up a jade plant may not make you better at being vulnerable, but its cutesy aesthetic can make house guests believe you’re an open book. Typically, they grow in variety of green and blue hues, and are easy to grow with some love and care. After all, that’s all you needed as a child. It wasn’t a huge ask but your mom couldn’t even give you that. This jade plant will remind you that your mom wasn’t that great and you will have trust issues for the rest of your life.
2. Aloe
Many people don’t realize that aloe is a succulent, just like your mom never realized that she was using tupperware as a way to feel in control. No matter how many she bought, you were still going away for college. Aloe is used to heal wounds naturally. You can use it to mend the fact that your mom never bought you Lunchables and it made you feel poor.
3. Haworthia
This succulent looks like an aloe plant, but has no healing properties. It will remind you of every guy who looked like they might be a good replacement for the love your dad was supposed to give to you, but gave to going “night fishing” instead.
4. Bunny Ear Cactus
A dry home is an exemplary environment for this plant. Since you’ve been unable to get laid since Covid began, this could be an ideal plant buddy. Despite its cute name, it will remind you of how much you long for physical affection, yet wouldn’t know what to do if you got it.
5. Living Stone Plant
They are mimicking rocks to camouflage themselves, so they are less likely to be eaten during periods of drought. Much like you camouflage yourself as straight, so you would be less likely to be bullied. This succulent is simple to grow with well draining soil, however, it will remind you of your perpetual identity crisis and struggle with sexuality.
6. Snake Plant
Clears the air, just like you need to do with your husband about the weird thing you said during sex last night.
