7 Statement Necklaces That Make You Look Like You Have Your Life Together

Are you the hot mess of your friend group? Well, no need to fear. With a little trip to Amazon, you can hook yourself up with some bling that implies you have it all made. Drop one of these bad boys on and suddenly you have no student debt, keep a weekly calendar and definitely don’t have a pile of 37 half empty water bottles under your nightstand.
1. The Second Grade Teacher
Amazon: $15.00
This necklace says, “I’m fresh out of parent-teacher conferences and ready to head home in my paid off Toyota Yaris.” Wear this and you can assure everyone that you make responsible choices and are passionate about enriching the minds of today’s youth.
2. The Wacky Aunt
Amazon: $16.09
This necklace exudes confidence, like “I bring Cards Against Humanity to family parties” confidence. Clip on this piece and you are instantly transformed into Auntie Suzie, the museum director from New York, who always brings quirky souvenirs to Christmas and exclusively drinks free-range egg nog.
3. The Sea Maiden
Amazon: $13.90
She loves the sand in her toes and the wind in her hair! This glamorous little number says, “Yeah I have a beach home in Turks and Caicos, but I’m not all about the money! I also donate thousands of dollars to homeless dolphins and once had a steamy affair with the pool boy.”
4. The Exotic Warrior
Amazon: $18.87
Though at face value, this necklaces looks like you were an extra in Miley Cyrus’ “Can’t Be Tamed” video, it’s what lurks beneath the feathers that really makes you shine. For only $18.87, you can command any room, letting everyone know that you make a mean mojito and can successfully apply winged eyeliner.
5. The Colorful Baker
Amazon: $6.99
The sprinkle-like beads in this necklace are worn to represent your boutique cupcake shop on Rodeo Drive. This colorful fashion statement says, “I love experimenting with flavor and once catered North West’s birthday party.” For $6.99, this necklace is cheaper than some cups of coffee, and the quickest way to let people know that you can make a messy bun look chic.
6. The Cultured Collector
Amazon: $13.99
At a quick glance, this necklace looks like a visual interpretation of TLC’s “Hoarding: Buried Alive,” but upon further inspection it is clear that the owner of this necklace is quite the cultured antique collector. Walk around in this beauty to let everyone know that you spend your weekends repurposing flea market furniture and have a keen eye for foreign woodwork.
7. The Mysterious Mistress
Amazon: $7.99
Don’t look directly into the eye! This Medusa-like wonder keeps people at a distance, allowing them to admire your perfectly sculpted eyebrows from afar. This necklace screams, “I keep crystals in my bra for ‘positive energy,’ and make six figures as a cruelty-free diamond dealer.” Walk into a party with this on, and you’ll instantly fill the room with mystery, leaving people to wonder “How does she walk in those 8 inch heels?”
Caitlin Arcand
Once upon a time, Caitlin had a fever dream and started this website. Now she's stuck writing satire for all eternity.