During the winter months of Covid, many were able to bear witness to the deep and tragic irony of outdoor dining. After years of being told that there was no funding for houseless people, there is apparently a surplus of funding for those who are tired of takeout. Those who were forced to stay inside, and develop a personality outside of consumption, decided they had enough.
“It’s too much work,” insisted Evan Thomas from New York City. “I just want a plate of eggs benedict to do the talking for me. It says I have taste, money, and no compassion for those suffering from a deadly, spreadable disease.”
If you’re like Evan, you need to know what your outdoor dining options are and what they say about your view of society.
1. Canopy with heating and houseplants
Imagine a tiny house with no walls. Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I’m pointing out that more sustainable, liveable housing is made available for those who already have it- but I’m not the only one.
2. Canopy with curtains and poly windows
A tent house if I’ve ever seen one! Some windows even have fake panels to make it look like a little house: you get less visibility but tons more superiority. Look at the houseless folks on the sidewalk from your tiny canopy house, and wonder what can be done for these people.
3. Glass and metal triangle frame
These are greenhouses for people. So a house.
4. Clear bubble
Simply protection from the elements. An essential part of being outside for extended periods of time, especially during the winter. Non-essential to those who can’t afford a Caprese salad, sorry babes.
5. Closed porch
Large windows for you to watch others suffer in the cold, but still inside enough to feel disconnected from their pain.
6. Porch with heaters
The least close to a house but still showcases the sweet, sweet irony that homeless people get the cops called on them for standing outside of Burger King too long, while restaurant-goers are allowed to call in sick in order to continue sipping bottomless mimosas on some fancy restaurant’s porch.
7. An actual yurt
Yes, it’s being done. Real, miniature yurts are being built for boho outdoor seating, with real wood structures. They are often surrounded by bonfires, string lights, and come complete with a skylight. Businesses leave them unoccupied after hours and they WILL call the police if anyone is caught using them for non-mixer purposes.
8. Coachella tent
Basically a plastic and more geometric yurt, with a large open side. Sip champagne and watch the world burn. I’ll cheers to that!
