Mother nature is having HOT FLASHES!
She’s had her children and she’s ready to move on to her next stage in life. A nice retirement, and most importantly, an empty nest. So, she’s doing her best to evict the boomerang children who’ve disrespected her for long enough — she’s raising the temperatures.
While a few of her kids are leaving for new planets (no word as to whether she’s proud of Elon, Jeff, or Sir Richard Bronson) she is clearly saying FUCK YOU to the other underachievers. Mere mortals like us are downloading dating apps more than ever. While that’s one way to distract yourself from the heat, I have other ideas.
1. Tell your partner or roomie to GTFO. We cannot be around people right now. Fun fact: more murders occur on hot days. Forget six feet of social distancing, I need you to make like an ambulance and KEEP BACK 50 Feet!
2. Power your phone and computer down. They emit heat. Sure, you’re on a deadline and your boss hates you, but this is a global crisis and you need to do your part to survive.
3. Save money and forgo the plane tickets to a warmer, tropical climate, everywhere is a warmer climate now.
4. Remove every bottle of vodka in your freezer and take a shot every time you check the temperate. Yes, technically alcohol intake speeds your heart rate and makes your skin feel warm and flushed, but if you drink enough, you won’t care.
5. The classic way to go is a wet hand towel in the freezer. Sleep with it on your neck to stay cool. You can also use it as a weapon. Twist the towel and practice slapping it against hard surfaces a la jocks in locker rooms.
6. Sleep with a fan in your face. If you don’t have a physical fan, get a STAN. Someone yelling, “Yes, you are amazing. You are a survivor!” If you don’t have either one, playing the Destiny’s Child SURVIVOR track on repeat will do.
7. Take that jade roller out of the fridge and roll it everywhere.
8. Experiment with Ice Play, a BDSM fetish that includes playing with ice and exploring your body in a cold freezer. Sure, it may not actually be your kink, but it could be worth the try, right?
9. If you can get one of those coveted tickets on a spaceship, get your things and go. Jeff Bezos is single. Bill Gates is single. Elon met Grimes on Twitter. IDK what’s up with Sir Richard Branson. He is married, but I hear he’s generous with family and friends.
And while I say EAT THE RICH, I also say, we’re desperate. Get out if you can. And if you can, invite me too. I’m ready to be a class traitor.