A Boyfriend’s Guide To Which Candles Are for Burning and Which Are for Looking

A woman is willing to leave you alone around her things. We are all very proud of you for earning that trust. Let’s make sure you retain it.  

One of the easiest things for the unsupervised wanderer to wound in a feminine space is candles. Are they for smelling? Are they for romance? Who knows? We know. 

Whether you’ve recently moved in together, or you would like to set the mood while she’s gone without completely disrupting the order of her things, this candle crash course is just for you. 

Candle Basics: STOP ASHING IN OUR CANDLES. What is this? Why do you do this? What is the ash even from? And why is it in my nicest candles? Okay… okay… we’re calm and understanding again. Just…. stop doing that, okay? Beyond that, I dunno, light the part that sticks out… it’s a candle, it’s not that hard. No… no…. calm… 

Let’s explore the different kinds of candles. 

1. Self-Care Candles: The self-care candle’s territory stretches from the bathtub to the bedroom.  They often have scents like “Lavender” or “Eucalyptus” and names like “Take a Load Off Gurl” or “Bath Please.” Self-care candles are best left to their own devices unless you decide to take a bath, in which case, treat yo’ self. 

2. Smelly Candles: This is the other kind of candle that you might find in the bathroom, resting on top of the toilet waiting for you. USE THIS CANDLE. The smelly candle closest to the toilet is your friend. Smelly candles can be found beyond the bathroom as well, placed at strategic intervals throughout the house. These are also fair game to burn. Don’t go nuts though; you don’t want too many smells competing, or your entire space will end up smelling like someone dressed in freshly washed laundry is baking an apple pie in a rose garden after a summer rain, which sounds nice but smells confusing. 

3. Romance Candles: Here’s another group of candles you can burn. These candles can be found under the sink or in a cabinet as they often double as the “power went out” candles. You can spot these candles because they’re either tall and intended to go in a candelabra (Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast), or they’re tiny tea candles. These pair well with a bottle of red wine and some Enya. 

4. Lookin’ Candles: Look at the top of the candle. Has it ever been burned? Does the outside of the candle have flowers, a landscape, or sparkles? If you answered no and then yes, well done,  you’ve found a lookin’ candle. Now PUT IT BACK! Don’t burn it. Don’t even sniff it. That is for looking and looking only. 

And there you have it: everything you need to know about candles. Got it?

Kayla Esmond
Author: Kayla Esmond
Kayla is a comedian and butch bisexual from Texas, currently raising 4 cats and a million plants with her boyfriend and multiple roommates in LA. She's a wine mom with no kids and strong opinions on the gender dynamics of serial killers.