A Guide to Dating White Male Comedians

Let’s face it, ladies and them-thlemans: it’s pretty slim pickings when it comes to dating nowadays. With all our favorite watering holes shuttered and the good respectable boys cozied up in their apartments, as not to attract the attention of Miss Rona, us single folk are left with the apathetic scraps.

The scraps? White male comedians. 

We know that you didn’t exactly dream about walking down the aisle with this kind of dude when you were making up your Pinterest wedding vision board, so I compiled a list of a few small tips to make your quarantine compromise a little more palatable.

#1: Joke critiques? No Go.

We know that being a supportive partner is the key to any strong relationship, but when dating a white male comedian, you’ll need to kick it up a notch. This species is used to a certain privilege bubble, and they get very agitated if that bubble is disturbed. The key to maintaining his mental well-being is making an effort to shift your perspective. Does he frequently tell sexist and homophobic jokes? No, it’s just that you don’t understand his genius. It’s just a satire, babe. You probably wouldn’t understand.

#2: You’re the New Breadwinner

It doesn’t matter whether you’ve been dating for 3 days or 3 months, you’ll have to get used to the idea that you will most likely be supporting your man financially, as well as emotionally. Do you think that real artists need to be burdened with trivial things like “jobs” and “bills?” Those get in the way of the creative process. The things that aid it? Staying in your apartment for an extended period of time and eating all your groceries. Just as a note, he’d really appreciate it if you’d put double stuffed Oreos on your shopping list. The regular ones are a little too plebian for his taste.

#3: Keep the Comparisons Flowing

Something that the wild male comedian species adores is being compared to comedy legends. To the typical WMC, being told “You remind me a little of George Carlin!” after a set is the equivalent of giving a fluffy doggo a scratch behind the ears. It doesn’t matter if it’s a lie (it will be) or if you find a deep-seated irony in comparing a man who uses racism as a punchline to Richard Pryor. Mr. Pryor rolling over in his grave is truly the least of your worries when dating a WMC!

While the mediocre bedroom life and the emotional labor make for difficulties, just remember that with enough love and blind support, you could be dating the next big sitcom walk-on extra!

Kirsten Hernandez
Author: Kirsten Hernandez
Kirsten Hernandez is a writer, activist, and occasional linguist in the Los Angeles area. When she isn’t clowning on the internet for likes, she’s likely to be tending to her multitude of dogs or overanalyzing the shit out of television shows.