A tarot card or birth chart reading is a perfect way to make specific and outlandish assumptions about your future based on a series of extremely vague sentences that seemingly relate exactly to your life. These forms of fortune-telling are at the height of their popularity, especially in a time where the future seems so unclear and hopeless. Tabitha Kirkland, known professionally as Doctor God, has been telling fortunes since age 6, when she predicted correctly that her town mayor was having an affair with her own mother.
“Yeah, I’m just as good, if not BETTER, than that Raven Samoa girl on the Disney Channel. Man, for a documentary, you’d think they’d spend more time focusing on her gift rather than the girl’s personal life. But I’m no regular girl; I’m not from this realm. Am I an alien? An angel? A sexy magic eight ball hidden in human form? Whatever I am, I’m a prophet and a genius. A Penius, if you will.”
Dr. God got her psychic reading degree at The Astrology School of Love and Lust, taught by a man named Zeekeethial. To hone her skills as a fortune-teller, Dr. God invested her life-savings of $15,000, and gave Zeekeethial rights to her soul.
Though Doctor God has the utmost confidence in her abilities, she struggled deeply during her education to find the perfect medium for her psychic gift. After getting dinner at a McDonald’s inside a Walmart with a friend, Dr. God noticed something peculiar. The friend’s foundation lines on her mask made an interesting pattern.
“It looked like a tic-tac-toe match on her mask. Tic-Tac-Toe. Giving O’s to X’s. Boom. Her husband is hooking up with his ex.”
That fateful day is what caused Dr. God to take to the streets and open her own mask-reading stand. “Yeah, it’s technically against Covid protocols for me to touch the masks of several people and have them form crowds outside. It’s not like I’m licking the masks and sticking them back on their faces! Which reminds me, I need to try that burnt orange peel thing, cause for some reason I lost my taste.”
Because each face has a different shape, the lines that your foundation makes are unique to you and your life. Dr. God masterfully decodes the confusing and cryptic intertwining lines of transferred Urban Decay and ELF makeup.
“Anytime there’s a thick line going over another thick line towards the upper right corner of a mask, it signals that the person needs to focus on their financial investments. If you’re transferring that much foundation, you’re buying cheap makeup. Focus on your spending. Boom.”
While other businesses are struggling to stay afloat, Dr. God is openly and obnoxiously thankful that the pandemic has allowed her to open her own business. We can all learn a thing or two from Dr. God, a girl boss who truly bullshits her way through life to make a profit.