American Psychiatric Association chairman Dr. Saul Levin appeared at a press conference Wednesday morning to urge all Americans — and anyone really — to not look at pictures of themselves from 2019.
Levin went on to describe a novel psychiatric diagnosis called “Nostal-19.” The disorder is striking patients who have a habit of obsessively reviewing old social media posts where they looked much, much, much better than they do now.
“We are fighting Covid-19 every day — and everyone knows that,” said Levin. “But we are also fighting the cognitive dissonance of looking far, far, worse than you ever have in your life. As the healthcare system becomes increasingly overwhelmed, we beg of you not to overload psych wards by looking at your Facebook memories.”
Narcissism specialist Dr. Joy Cox, of the San Francisco Mental Health Initiative, issued similar warnings to those tempted to take a gander at the good ole days.
“The fact is, the drug companies simply cannot make as much Xanax as Nostal-19 patients need. And there are not enough beds for the influx of cases we’re seeing. The best offense is a good defense. If we can urge people early on not to look at pictures of their gorgeous former selves, maybe we can stop the spread.”
Patient Madison St. Croix has been going through intense recovery for three months at the Wisconsin Institute for the Pathologically Self-Loving. “It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t look anything like the hot chick who was on my dad’s boat a year ago. But the classes here have taught me that when this is all over, I can resume my bulimia and get my nails done again. And that has been really healing for me.”
Leading experts say the early symptoms of Nostal-19 are looking in a mirror, trying on new clothes that don’t fit, sending unsolicited nudes to an ex to see if you’re still attractive, and in the end stages of the disease, caving in and reposting old pictures of yourself.
APA spokesman Levin concluded his statement by assuring Nostal-19 sufferers that the medical establishment is hard at work on this terrifying new plague.
“There is a way out — and we’re going to find it. We are working round-the-clock to develop revolutionary new drugs that can help people live alone more comfortably with their disgusting inner selves. We won’t stop until we find the cure.”
Levin then dropped the mic and took a selfie from a really good angle.