Are You Getting Into Heaven? A Council of Your Exes Will Decide

God has spoken and she has decided to absolve herself of any resentment from the decision between a life of eternal happiness or endless suffering. Instead, she has chosen to let a council of your ex-lovers decide whether or not you are a person of sin or goodness.

Yes, this is a completely biased decision and creates a huge population of people in purgatory due to not having game. For these people, God has reassured us that their decisions come about with other types of relationships, like the one they have with themselves. In most cases, this leads them right back to purgatory. 

As for the rest of the world, a council of your exes will sit in a panel before you, and discuss your fate. They will recount memories you had blocked, like the time you forgot the word “ube” and stood in a donut shop line uncomfortably silent for an even more uncomfortably long time. The time you were trying to impress a girl at the skate park and totally ate it. The memories they talk about transport you back to that moment to relive it in its entirety, unable to change a thing and completely aware of the outcome. Some may call this hell itself.

This council will go through every experience you had with your exes and rank how you did on a 5-star system for the categories of sex, friendship, and romance. Yes, you will have to relive every sexual experience you’ve had with your exes. God watches all of it, but she assures us she’s asexual and takes no pleasure in seeing you have sex. For some reason, we believe her. We want to be good allies to the asexual community, so we support her on this journey. 

Most people are uncomfortable with the idea that their fate is in the hands of a congregation of queers with poor judgment. There’s the guy who used to play in a noise band. That’s right. The guy who was in a noise band gets to decide your eternal fate. Margot, your very first crush from elementary school, turned MAGA and doesn’t wear a mask. Everyone on the council even hates her, but her vote holds as much weight as the next.

Bex Nava
Author: Bex Nava
Bex is a UC Davis alumni who started their own standup and improv clubs on campus. They are now on a journey to make comedy more inclusive and accessible. Find them one day running a queer cafe/comedy venue.