“Being Gay Isn’t A Personality,” Says Woman Whose Only Friends Are Plants

Local wet-human-saltine-cracker and overzealous plant mom, Christina Weinfordner, is exercising being a loud and proud woman in the worst way possible. Christina is making it her personal responsibility to police the LGBTQ+ community online.

“It’s just bothersome to see on my timeline all day, 24/7. Like, of course, I’m all in support of my gay brothers and sisters, OF COURSE. I’ve always been pro-LBG. But like… you shouldn’t make it your WHOLE personality.” 

Christina’s ex-boyfriend broke up with her in high school by coming out, and the grudge that Christina still holds has fused into spewing subtle homophobic rhetoric online. Any time gay folks are existing and living freely online, Christina does what white people do best: voice an opinion on something that has nothing to do with them.

“Whenever I give them my constructive criticism about their lifestyles, which I’m allowed to do as my first amendment right, they always tell me ‘everyone’s a little gay, Christina’. I’m absolutely not. No FREAKING way. I have never thought about a vagina in my LIFE. I don’t even look at it in the shower. The only thing I am gay for is my plants!” Christina laughs hardily at her own joke, and pets a succulent next to her a bit too sexually.

Christina’s busy schedule of commenting on others’ personalities leaves her little room to reflect on how her own personality is just talking about plants, which obviously no one cares about.

“…And this one I’ve been tending for a couple of weeks now. Her name is Hermosa. I think that’s Mexican for something. I play sultry music at night, and we dance in the moonlight together. I get naked, just because I feel I should be in my natural form like her. I would show you, but it’s just really an intimate moment between us two and the moon.”

Christina says she torments people from a loving place; she is embarrassed for them and just wants the best for her “the gaybo community.”

Whenever confronted about the fact that her entire personality is being plant-based, Christina angrily thrashes amidst her home, throwing pots and succulents every which way. She then gets on all fours, yells “TAKE ME FROM MY CRUEL HUMAN FORM AND MAKE ME PART OF THE EARTH’S SOIL AND BLOOM,” and photosynthesizes until she calms down. Christina describes herself as a loving plant mom, and like other plant moms, she desperately needs to find another goddamn hobby and maybe a real friend or two.

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Author: Kasey Leibas
Kasey Leibas is a Chicago-based Latina comedian who loves to make people laugh by making herself look like an idiot. Her credits include: seeing Danny DeVito in the audience of a play, doing improv sometimes.