Biden’s New Climate Initiative to Require All Greenhouse Gases to “Quit Horsin’ Around Out There”

President Biden’s first 100 days may be up, but the 78-year-old President is holding no prisoners with his climate initiatives. A new policy is making headlines for a bold and classically Biden approach. On Thursday, the President of the United States announced his new initiative requiring greenhouse gases  to “quit horsin’ around out there.”

When asked in a press conference how he plans on implementing this new policy, Biden responded with the same folksy wind-up to a question he always does: “Look, folks. Folks. We’re better than this. This is not America. This isn’t us. American is good. America is not bad. These gasses? Get out of town, Jack. Get right out of town. Get out of our small towns. Our big towns. Our cities. And our America. This isn’t who we are.”

As reporters pressed for details on the physical and scientific aspect of the plan, Biden got personal. “Growing up, we had laughing gas. Go to the dentist, get a couple of teeth pulled. No problem. Eatin’ penny candy all day long, down at the river. Now we got greenhouse gas. Greenhouse gas– it sounds good, but it’s bad. Heats up the whole darn planet. Like sleepin’ with too many blankets on. Too many blankets in the summer. But it’s ALL year long. Enough is enough. This is not who we are.”

With no word on the actual mechanics of the plan to limit greenhouse gasses, reporters begged the President for some concrete information. “Folks,” Biden began. “Folks, this is not who we are. Pack up and hit the road, gasses. Hit the bricks. Hit the pavement. Infrastructure. Hit our highways and roads. Our hard-working Americans do not need these gasses. We are America. We are strong. We are–” At this point, the President’s microphone cut out, alerting the press that he was done talking about this. 

So what does this mean for Americans and the world’s approach to climate change?

Unfortunately, we are left with more questions than we entered with. Is Biden implementing some sort of device to capture climate-harming gasses? Maybe. Is he deploying a team of scientists to focus specifically on emissions? Maybe. Is he doing nothing? Maybe. As always, we can never be sure. But one thing is certain: Joe Biden means business, even if we don’t know what he’s talking about. And isn’t that what America is?

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.