Blessed Beyond Measure: The COVID-Fifteen Went Straight to My Chest

Oh please, the title’s just to fool you. That was to make you feel inferior to me for just a split second before I broke the news to you that that title does not apply to me whatsoever.

This is actually the most ridiculous tale of all. About Lila. Lila is what many would call the perfect catch. She’s pretty, she’s fit, and she’s enjoyable to be around (when you’re not hating her for how pretty and fit she is). But folx, it’s time to start hating her guts, because while we all noticed our tummies bulge out from our pants and our faces plump up since March, we just noticed her grow a bra cup size…or two. How dare she. Literally. How. Dare. She. 

We’re all just trying to get through each day, well aware that this virus isn’t going to go away overnight, and neither are our raging FUPAs. Sigh, what a time. I feel like we should sue Lila? Not sure what for though. Definitely a small misdemeanor—tampering with reality? Or maybe we should just sue her for getting all of the male attention we once shared with her. Listen, I’m body positive, but we all know what (many) men are like out there. They see a woman shaped like a barbie doll and somehow the world stops, their brains become mush, all of the beautiful thick snacks out there get tossed into the wind. Ouch. 

In the perfect world, or maybe in an action movie, it would be time for revenge. But this is just biology, babes. We got stuck with not quite fitting into our old work clothes, and she got the golden ticket. She got what every one of us was hoping for. Well, I sincerely hope she has back pain now. 

Lila: don’t forget that name. We hate her, we really do.

Anna Snapp
Author: Anna Snapp
Anna is a Brooklyn-based actor and writer, trying to figure which is more important to her: taking down the men on dating apps who refer to themselves as "humble", or watching enough terrible reality TV to officially lessen her value. Anna believes in progressive politics, Dua Lipa, and mediocre boxes of Sauvignon Blanc.