“Can You Read?” Asks Woman Whose Dating Bar Has Dropped So Low She Can’t Limbo Under It

The pandemic has brought a lot of things to light: the need for universal healthcare, intelligent and competent leaders, and the fact that there is absolutely no purpose in tweezing your eyebrows. But it has fundamentally shattered the perceptions of myself that I had held in high esteem. In that it broke down the illusion that I posed standards. Standards in humanity? Foolishly, yes, I still hold those dear to my heart. But in choosing a partner? That ship of quality traits has sailed so far that future explorers will discover it marooned on an island and be devastated buy how little gold it has to offer.

I used to have really high exceptions for the men I offered my time and energy to. I wanted them to be as ambitious and passionate as I am (was), intelligent, witty and posses the ability of critical thinking. No more! The world is ending, the bubonic plague is coming and what ever happened to the killer hornets?

My bar is low, so low you have no hope in hell of limboing yourself under it. I have very simple bare minimums. Unless he’s a Republican or sends me a gym selfie. I have some self-respect left. It’s small but it’s there. Also, why is he at the gym now?

Here are the new criteria:

1. The rent is high, do you have a job, any kind of a job, that will keep me in the life of poverty I have become accustomed to? I will even take “DJ.”

2. Do you own a book and can read at least one word from said book without assistance? Not super important.

3. Do you wear your mask outside? I.e., can you do the bare minimum to fain empathy?

4. Do you inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide?

5. Do you know the meaning of at least two words from the above question?

6. Are you strong enough to carry me when I get tired from running during the Covid apocalypse? This is a deal breaker as I have not exercised in 4 months and have zero running stamina left.

7. Are you willing to be coached on where the clitoris is? (I can finish on my own but a willingness to learn goes a long way).

8. Can you make me a grilled cheese sandwich? Running from the killer hornets and bubonic plague squirrels might hype up my appetite.

9. Do you use the word “bro” only when referring to your biological brother? This is important to me. About an 8 on a scale of 1-10.

10. Do you have access to drugs that will keep me in a constant numb state? 10!!!

*As time wears on and the pandemic rages these qualifications are subject to change or minimize.

Niki Hatzidis is an award nominated playwright and actor living in NYC, which means she tries too much, cries a lot and laughs through everything. Usually Coffee stained and running late because of the MTA.