Category: NEWS
Thirty-Year-Old Man Checks Himself Into Treatment After Finding Out Porn Isn’t Realistic
A local thirty-year-old man has checked himself into the downtown men’s therapeutic treatment center after finding out, once and for all, that pornography isn’t a…
Missing Hiker Doesn’t Actually Want to Be Found
32-year-old Cassie Alkire was last seen on Saturday afternoon by members of her hiking group. The group was heading back to the trailhead of a…
That Woman Has Perfect Hair During a Storm Because She’s a Witch
“My head just doesn’t get cold and looks perfect all the time,” she says. It’s because she’s a witch. There’s a torrential down pour that…
Tide Pods Clean Up Their Act, “We’re Vegan Now!”
In the meme yearbook, the class of 2017 will be remembered for a few notable alums including Salt Bae, White Blinking Guy, and of course,…
Nation Mourns as Inadequate Man Fails to Hit Top of Doorway
Jordan Swordsen of Pennsylvania missed the top of a doorway on his way out of the dermatology clinic on Friday sending the nation into a…
Family Bullies Dad Into Unlimited Data
Back in the bygone flip phone era, things were different. If your mom went out to run errands, you just had to hope she’d be…
Local Woman in Danger After Realizing She Can’t Just Eat “One More Triscuit”
Providence, Rhode Island. 10:11 AM. No one answers the door, but it is unlocked. I walk into an apartment furnished with empty Triscuit boxes. It…
New Study Shows Liza Minnelli Has Always Looked Like That
Stars are just like us- they put their age on one year at a time. Except for one: Liza Minnelli. Researchers at the National Institutes…
Almond Milk Sues for Rights
Dairy farmers everywhere share a common dream: a wholesome lifestyle spent milking their cows each day, filling up buckets of milk and making enough to…
BREAKING: Barista Wants You to Go Fuck Yourself
According to witnesses, the barista at your local indie café wants you to get the hell out of his face. He can tell that you…