Category: NEWS
Now Hiring! CDC Seeking Creative Writers to Make Up New Covid Variant Names
Needed at the CDC: Creative Writers to Name New Covid Variants The CDC is here to announce that as we run out of letters of…
Shocking! Charmin Bears Dead in Non-Toilet Paper Related Accident
By now I’m sure you’ve heard the news. It’s all over all the big channels. Saw it on Facebook nearly as soon as I had…
Friend Complaining About Migraine Also Wearing Headband the Size of a Lampshade
It seems like everyone has a professional medical opinion lately, but every friend group has their own dedicated hypochondriac who has been illness-obsessed since way…
Exasperated Mom Starts GoFundMe to Pay for Teenager to Go to The Moon… For 5 Years Minimum
I love my son as much as any mom can love a monosyllabic teenager – and saying “monosyllabic” takes longer than the average time my…
World Reaches Record Level of Bisexuals After “House of Gucci” Trailer Drops
Countries all over the world have been reduced to chaos thanks to the new House of Gucci trailer that was released late last week. Bisexuals…
Local Tesla Driver Loses Case to Ban Priuses From Fast Lane of Highway
You may remember a time when the Toyota Prius was the ultimate virtue-signaling machine, and owners of such hybrid vehicles were characterized by a shared…
Research Shows Twitter Users With Egg Profile Picture Are 95% More Likely to Ask You for Feet Pics
ATLANTA, GA – In what many have labeled “the real pandemic,” epidemiologists at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) have been getting closer to uncovering…
New Retail Policy States Customers Can Abuse Employees Freely With A Minimum $10 Purchase
Sugma Industries has just implemented a brilliant new business policy that is sure to not only drive up sales, but to ensure capitalist tyrants can…
Dog You Got During Quarantine Has Some Fucking Questions About Why You’re Job Searching Again
Dear Mom, I think it’s time we have a chat. Yeah, I know. You think I don’t notice, but I always do. You are getting…
This Gen Z Influencer Has Already Purchased Her Own Home, and All She Had to Do Was Be Born Rich
Princess–Vivi, a TikTok influencer known for her uncanny ability to look young and beautiful on camera, has just purchased her own home at the age…