It’s been…a hard seven months. In. So. Many. Damn. Ways. You had your birthday via Zoom in March, and another six for your friends since. Yeah, restaurants and bars are doing the outdoor seating thing, but at this point you really just want a hug, or maybe just a very attractive person to recreate every single chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey with you. Okay, breathe. There must be something out there that can make you feel whole, that can make you feel like life is worth living again, to fill that tiny (but important) void that you truly feel can’t be filled with anything but a million dollars and a great night with the person of your dreams.
You were so close to giving up, when your friend invited you to a classic COVID outdoor park hang, and she whips out…a charcuterie board. Ah, the meats, the cheese, the olives and nuts, the bread, ugh. So delicious. You weren’t trying to be the one scarfing it down a million miles a minute, but hey, you’re only human. Time stops, it feels like no one is there but you and that salami and brie. Crumbs of food are spilling down your top, but you feel alive, goddammit! Could this be the answer to your prayers? The thing that’s been missing all these months? With just a pretentious piece of bread and stinky cheese, could you finally take over the world and be the bad bitch you knew, deep down you always were? Yes, it is the answer and it is your time to shine. You give into the quarantine-fifteen you already gained and seize the day…or the board. Life feels complete again. You have filled that void, girl, good for you.
So, does this mean you never need a man ever again to fulfil your needs? Just classy hors d’oeuvres? Maybe, just maybe…
