It’s been a while since we’ve all been on dates, hasn’t it? And while we’d love to blame Covid, if we’re being honest with ourselves it’s been a bit longer. That light shining from the end of the tunnel is your door opening for the first time in a year in a half inviting your cute little vaccinated ass to get back out there! While you’re putting on your lipstick and sex panties, remember the golden rule: every man you meet is trying to murder you! However, If your eggplant harvest isn’t deterred by this, at least let us send you on your quest with a guide to the places to look out for when he suggests the location.
Forest: Is he oddly insistent about taking you on a “hike” because he really likes “nature?” You don’t need to be a polyglot to know that translates to “I want to axe murder you and wear your face like a Glossier moisturizing mask.” I know it’s been a while, but just take a second… Is there literally anything romantic about watching a sunset on the cliff with a new spark, but knowing that you’re one wrong move away from having a white lady make a podcast about your untimely death? Step off, Sarah Koenig.
Park: I’m not sure if you’d get murdered here necessarily, but you’d definitely DEFINITELY get flashed here, so… take what you will from that.
His Studio Apartment: Okay, I get what you’re thinking: “I like a man who cuts straight to the point” and it makes sense… until you realize the “point” is his goddamn KNIFE. Yeah, sure, best-case scenario he could just be a fuckboy with a fear of commitment and living off of his parents’ pity money (also scary) but he could also be a bootleg Dexter waiting to tape you down with off-brand dollar store grade saran wrap. In only one of these scenarios will he make you scream.
His Yacht: First, congrats on matching with an elderly billionaire! Second, if we take a moment to think critically, we see that the deck is stacked so heavily against you it’s almost comical. On one hand, taking you on his boat could be a flex that his little wrinkly arms can no longer muster. On the other hand, if you make the wrong move, say you… get discovered by his wife, say you hate Donald Trump or mispronounce Chianti? Into the drink, you go! Even before you got to sugar baby grift your way into a Royce. Shame, really.
Maskless bar in Southern Florida: At least you’re both gonna die.
