Congress Passes “Stimulant Bill” Reserved for Coffee and Adderall

One year into a deadly pandemic, Americans have received two stimulus checks; $1,200 for the first round and $600 for the second. This third round of stimulus money will be $1,400 plus an additional smaller “stimulant” check. It’s sort of like when you get a toy in your cereal box. 

The Stimulant Bill was introduced to cover the gap for citizens who say the stimulus money just isn’t cutting it.

“I can pick one bill to pay,” said Monica Harris. “Do I pay my rent or my health insurance? There’s never enough left over for Starbucks.”

Harris says she’s been making coffee at home this past year to save money, and now only goes to coffee shops as a treat, the same way she used to buy shoes. 

Major coffee retailers like Starbucks and The Coffee Bean have been hit hard the past year as well. With no commuters commuting to work, many are skipping their morning coffee run. Collectively they’ve closed hundreds of stores nationwide, sometimes only retaining one store per city block. 

In a recent poll paid for by Nespresso, 10,000 random people on the street were asked what they “miss the most about their morning routine” while taste-testing shots of espresso. “Coffee,” “espresso,” and “lattes” were among the most popular responses aside from their jobs, social lives, loved ones, etc. 

There’s also been a trend on TikTok where people make videos listing their conditions and prescription medications they are prescribed but can’t afford to fill, even with insurance. Among the most popular responses are Adderall, Dexedrine, Ritalin, Didrex, and other Schedule 1 substances. 

The Stimulant Bill was introduced after the rising controversy around a conspiracy that the government wants to put everyone to sleep until they figure out a solution for the Coronavirus. A recent viral tweet gave validity to the claim.

“We can’t go on like this much longer,” wrote one White House staffer in a text. “Some of the latest plans involve vaccinating people with dart guns or putting everyone in a spell coma, like in Sleeping Beauty.”  

A growing number of people have refused to get vaccinated for fear of going into a dream-like slumber after being pricked by a needle, as seen in the Disney version of the fairy tale. The theory has gained so much attention that the movie has risen to #1 on Disney+, surpassing “WandaVision” for the third week in a row.  

As a show of good faith that they don’t want everyone asleep, Congress is speeding the bill through just in time to catch up with the Stimulus. They worry that if a large enough portion of the population won’t get the vaccine then it won’t be effective.

“If we let them get jacked up on cold brew and study pills then they’ll go get the shot. That’s what the lobbyists told us,” said a representative from Texas, who didn’t want to be named.

Paulina Combow
Author: Paulina Combow
Paulina is an LA-based comedian and writer from Kentucky with 9 years of club experience. You can find her doing Roast Battles at The Comedy Store, and entertaining senior citizens with Laughter on Call. Her writing has been featured in The Washington Post, Nashville Scene, and Reductress.