Have you gotten your Fauci-Ouchy yet? You totally should. Not because it is the best way to protect your community from a global air-born virus. Oh no. Who cares about that? (You should care about that) That’s just a side perk my friends. There are so many things I can do now that I got my vaccine. I’m a whole new person.
1. I stimulated my local economy by physically going into my town’s shops and restaurants without the anxious dread of potentially killing grandma. Literally, all my Covid anxiety is gone. Except for the fear of variants… miss-information… climate change… wait… no cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory… phew, got back on track.
2. I can see all my friends INSIDE. And we can hug! But we keep speaking on mute for some reason.
3. Remember movie theaters? Neither do I! But if I want to have stale popcorn in a room with dozens of strangers too close to a screen, I can with confidence!
4. I don’t have to play chicken with my neighbors as I’m trying to walk to the pharmacy to pick up my anti-depressants. Though that was really fun for a week.
5. My critical thinking has improved to the max. Conspiracy theories just fly right over my head. Except for the one about birds being government spies. I really think there’s something to that.
6. I now have a speed-walking setting, which I have to admit, would have come in handy for the sidewalk chicken. Maybe I’ll start up a league with my block for memory’s sake.
7. I can now shower really fast. I don’t do it often, but when I do muster up the will to bathe, it’s like I’m in a human car wash!
8. The microchip in my arm reminds me where I am every five minutes. Plus the Wifi I generate now is super fast… I can stream so many true crime channels on YouTube.
9. I can read Bill Gates’ thoughts. I have not learned how I can use this for evil yet.
So with all these cool new features on my upgrade, what are you waiting for? Apparently, there are people who are only getting it so that they don’t spread a contagious respiratory virus. I think if they knew about all these useful new tricks, more people would run and get the shot. Spread the word!
