Cincinnati police officers Neil McMickmick and Patrick O’Coppypock were released from University Hospital Wednesday after suffering critical tazing injuries that both claim were inflicted by the moon during a coven bust last Saturday night.
“You had to see it to believe it,” said McMickmick.“This is one of those rare situations where I wish I’d had my bodycam on.”
Police reports state that on Saturday night, the officers were dispatched to a Northside home after neighbors complained of excessive noise and an uncontrolled bonfire. When McMickmick and Coppypock arrived at the scene, they discovered a coven meeting in full swing.
“Witches be trippin’,” said Coppypock in an official statement. “I mean, it was just my boy and I against like, 45 45-year-old white women throwing frogs around and cooking soup and reading tarot cards. We told them to break it up, but the only response we got was some red-haired lady in a dashiki asking if I was a Leo. I am, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”
Officer Coppypock then drew his taser gun to try and subdue the rowdy coven, but he never expected what he said happened next.
“They all just went really quiet and stood completely still and stared at us. Then the oldest lady started talking to the sky in what I think was…Gaelic? Anyway, then the moon electrocuted the sh%$ out of us.”
The two officers contend that the moon itself, seemingly upon command, shot electrical currents through their skulls and into their bodies for roughly 90 seconds. Coppypock attempted to draw his firearm and fire at the moon, but found himself unable to do so.
“People say ‘shoot for the moon,’ but I’m telling you, it doesn’t work. I could smell my hair burning and I couldn’t do sh%$ about it.”
Coppypock says he was conscious and alert after the severe moon tazing, but McMickmick was pronounced dead at the scene before he was miraculously resuscitated on the way to the hospital.
In a press conference Thursday, McMickmick stated, “Ya know what’s weird? I actually feel kinda like, better now. Like a new man. The sheriff and my witch of a wife always said I was bipolar, but I turned down shock therapy. Maybe I’ll get into that, because I have less of an urge to kill people for fun now.”