America here. I’m in a bit of a pickle. Long story short, I got involved with this virus who insisted he just needed a place to crash for a couple weeks -2 months tops. He told me he just got back from Italy and needed a temporary spot to get his ducks in a row. I mean, it’s a big country; I’ve got 50 states and a handful of territories, I kind of had to say yes.
In the words of Vivian Ward from Pretty Woman: “Big mistake, huge!” I should have done a background check on this guy. I know tenants sometimes spill stuff on your carpets or let the grout in the shower turn orange. Heck, we all have accidentally broken things. I was prepared for all of the normal mishaps, but this guy isn’t normal. Something is definitely off about him.
For one thing, his hands are visibly filthy. He says he doesn’t believe in cleanliness. I’ve never met anyone like that. Perhaps he’ll hire a maid. My neighbors are very nice and tidy, so it took me by surprise. I thought perhaps he didn’t have cleaning supplies, so I gifted him a bar of soap. He actually threw it in the garbage in front of me. Talk about odd.
Then he asked where all of the hot spots to hang out are. After I rattled off a few good bars, movies and restaurants, he said he couldn’t wait to check them out. He asked me where the 3 nearest cities are and took off for a few days by public transit. The little jetsetter said he had “places to go and people to see.”
I had to find out more about this mysterious character. While he was gone, I actually went through his stuff (wearing gloves and a mask because of the aforementioned filth). I found his composition notebook. He keeps a diary? Inside, he lays out his scheme to spread like wildfire here.
He wrote that he wants to make everyone sick. Like super sick! So sick that you might not come home from the hospital sick. Oh my gosh! When he said he had places to go and people to see, he meant he’s got places to infect and people to sicken! My poor cities! My suburbs and country sides!
Ugh, I have the worst luck. Something like this totally would happen to me! My horoscope did mention that Mercury was going into retrograde. Turns out, I’m not even the only country he’s done this to. He’s got a whole checklist of all of the countries he’s hit. I’m just another notch in his bedpost huh?
That little scourge was recently evicted by New Zealand. How am I going to get rid of this sicko? I’m only responsible for like 328 million people’s lives. No biggie. You know, being a melting pot isn’t so fun when someone coughs and sneezes all over the pot!