LOS ANGELES, CA- Like many Americans, Bryan Green and longtime girlfriend, Candace Kim, have been struggling to keep their relationship fresh during the pandemic.
“There’s less date night options, we feel unsafe traveling by plane, and we’ve both been working from home for the last eight months,” said Kim while violently squeezing a happy-face stress ball. “We just had to get away and attempt to have fun so I’d stop associating his face with claustrophobia and dread.”
Green then put a supportive hand on her shoulder and said, “It’s so true. Although, I associate your face with nagging and the loss of hope if I’m being honest.”
The couple had both been approved to take time off at the start of November, so they’d originally thought they’d rent a cute cabin in Big Bear and spend their couple’s retreat there.
“But as it turns out,” said Kim as she dug her long nails into the stress ball, “Everyone in Southern California has all the same travel ideas and the only Airbnbs left to choose from looked like barely habitable utility sheds with ‘80s curtains!”
She then shrieked in frustration as the sand-filled stress ball burst all over her lap. Green brushed sand spray off of his glasses and said, “So we rented the most habitable utility shed we could find… for $270 a night.”
The rickety shack they opted for ended up being closer to Sequoia National Park. But the couple was hopeful, thinking they’d have a chance to enjoy the great outdoors together.
“We were really looking forward to some long, silent hikes where we both stared straight ahead the whole time,” said Green.
But unfortunately for Green and Kim, the Creek Wildfire was visible from their sad abode upon arrival.
“The air was so thick with smoke that it was hard to breathe, and the flashes of red fire on the horizon made my life flash before my eyes,” said Kim.
“What she’s trying to say is that hikes weren’t really an option anymore,” added Green while nodding sadly.
When asked why they didn’t turn around and flee back to their apartment, Kim fluttered her lips like a horse and shrugged.
“Novelty? I was cooped up and afraid at our apartment for different reasons, and now I was cooped up and afraid in a new place for new reasons.”
Green put his arm around her and said, “That apocalyptic serial-killer-hut provided us with a fresh experience to share, even if it was more terrible than our 2020 status quo. Also, the Airbnb was non-refundable, so we had to get our money’s worth.”