Dilemma: How Much Alcohol Can I Order Before My Instacart Shopper Calls the Helpline?

One thing I have learned in this pandemic is that I love not going to the store. I do feel guilty that in order to keep myself safe someone else has to do my shopping for me, so to make myself feel better about that I tip a lot. Like, a lot. And I tell myself that by not going to the store I avoid all the impulse buying I usually do. All those special offers that are not all that special, but hey who can pass up on four boxes of donuts? My Instacart shopper, that’s who.

Thing is, I am not super keen on vegetables. But I always feel my Instacart shopping list should reflect a healthy balance of all the food groups so that my Instacart shopper does not think I am unhealthy. It’s bad enough they are out there risking their well-being so I can stay home, I’d hate to think that they feel they are doing that for a slob. 

And so I order lettuce, that I may or may not eat. OK… I rarely eat it, but it makes me feel better to know that I could if I wanted to. I order low-fat organic probiotic yogurt, to show I do understand that dairy can be beneficial as well as delicious – the latter evidenced by the four tubs of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie I have on repeat order. I also try not to order too much alcohol. I mean, I try. Who is to say what is “too much?”

It’s a pandemic. I watch a lot of Netflix. When I watch Netflix I like to have a little drink – what else could the “and chill” refer to? I don’t think 5 bottles of wine in a weekly shopping cart is unreasonable. I usually get a few extras, just in case. But then if you buy 11 you get the 12th free – it would be sinful to pass up a bargain like that.

Is that too much for one person? What is the Instacarter going to think of that? What if they report me? Oh – but wait. They do not know I live alone. Those 12 bottles could be for 4 people. That would make perfect sense. That would also explain the 4 tubs of ice cream. Yes! I have nothing to worry about. And what else do 4 young, healthy, robust people need? A box of donuts each. Done and ordered.

Lalita Dee
Author: Lalita Dee
Lalita Dee is a writer and comedian originally from Amsterdam. Her observational and narrative humor describes her queer experiences as she navigates her way through the US, the heteropatriarchy, and single motherhood. Her humor has been described as “intelligently hilarious” as well as “some feminist BS."