Do You Have to Be Queer to Be a Female Soccer Player? No…But it Helps.

There are so many odd, but also oddly correct, stereotypes about lesbians.

“Lesbians like to have sex with women.” I mean, duh. 

“Lesbians are carpet munchers.” But straight men aren’t? That just proves sexuality is not a choice. No woman would actively choose to be straight and have sex with people who do not munch.

“Lesbians drive Subarus.” Ok, that one is true. They are truly great cars, and nothing screams I MUNCH CARPET louder than an Outback. Side note: it is quite easy to do said munching in the back of an Outback. Good luck trying that in a Kia Optima.

“Lesbians move in with each other on the second date.” Definitely not true. Such a damning stereotype about our supposed neediness and total lack of emotional boundaries. I would never move in with a new person until at least the fifth date. As my friend Sarah likes to say, “I have standards.”

“Lesbians are really into sports.” True-ish. Some of us like to watch sports and some like to play sports, but either way most of us appreciate a good sweaty workout.

There have been lesbian sporting heroes for decades, but only recently has the stigma on queer sporty women been somewhat lifted. Before, our sporting gals’ companions would usually be described as their “very good friends,” or worse, their “business partners,” even when everyone knew exactly what the deal was. “You cannot be serious,” said literally no one when tennis star Billie Jean King came out in 1981. 

One sport where women have really started shining in recent years is women’s soccer. Who can forget the US women’s team’s phenomenal road to the world championship in 2019, when after winning the trophy soccer legend and team captain Megan Rapinoe went over and kissed her girlfriend? Such a beautiful moment, making us forget that we don’t really understand the rules of soccer all that much. That offsides thing is really confusing.

Anyway, who cares? We love watching women play, which is as it happens also the most popular category on OnlyFans. But just because Megan is out, loud, and proud, and Abby Wambach is now married to self-help superstar Glennon Doyle, that does not mean that all soccer stars are gay.

Yes, many are…but some are not. So, when someone tells you that “all female soccer players are lesbians,” make sure to correct them. And then relax in the knowledge that whichever women’s soccer team you support, it is probably fair to say that a good number of the players also play for the other team. 

Lalita Dee
Author: Lalita Dee
Lalita Dee is a writer and comedian originally from Amsterdam. Her observational and narrative humor describes her queer experiences as she navigates her way through the US, the heteropatriarchy, and single motherhood. Her humor has been described as “intelligently hilarious” as well as “some feminist BS."