Dress to Get His Attention So Your Friend Can Rob Him

Every friend group has that one girl that everyone else is jealous of. She has it all; a boyfriend, a debit card, and a host of outfits that can distract any man so the small British street urchin that follows her everywhere can pick their pockets. Oh Bernice (why is her name ALWAYS Bernice?), how we all want to be you. Well good news ladies, you can be! Well… you can dress like her. I still haven’t figured out where the tiny cockney thieves come from… 

Little Bright Orange Dress: The Little Black Dress has long been a woman’s friend in blending in. Now we want to stand out, so we go for the opposite, our LBOD. The color will get his attention from across the room. And being dressed like a safety cone will lull him into a false sense of security, so your friend that has been studying sleight of hand at a local magician’s academy can sneak his wallet out of his back pocket. 

Inflatable T-Rex Costume: Remember all those viral videos of people dressed as inflatable Tyrannosauruses that made you order one for yourself? You were never struck by inspiration, so it’s been languishing in the back of your closet? Well, time for the suit to pay for itself! Pop this bad boy on, pair it with a tricycle for comedic effect and BAM! Men won’t be able to take their eyes off you. While they’re distracted by your inflated antics, have your quietest friend sneak by and steal the nicest watch in the bunch. They will be so overcome by their nostalgia for 2017 internet culture, they’re guaranteed not to notice. And speaking of nostalgia… 

Fandom Shirts: If you need to make rent quickly, this is the outfit. Pick a random fandom and wear a shirt with a quote or character from the source material. I recommend Star Wars, but Dr. Who or any video game will yield similar results. Wear a shirt that implies you’re a fan of the franchise, go to your closest craft brewery, and sit there minding your business. When a man approaches you, pretend to be the only person on the continent not familiar with Star Wars. While he’s blinded by his tears and distracted trying to explain the propulsion system of an X-Wing, it’s time for your friend to strike. You can have any friend commit this crime: a man in the throes of explaining his fandom briefly leaves our worldly plane, so he won’t notice a disturbance in the force, no matter how clumsily your friend fumbles through his briefcase. 

There you have it ladies! Now get out there and close that wage gap, one stolen Rolex at a time. 

Kayla Esmond
Author: Kayla Esmond
Kayla is a comedian and butch bisexual from Texas, currently raising 4 cats and a million plants with her boyfriend and multiple roommates in LA. She's a wine mom with no kids and strong opinions on the gender dynamics of serial killers.