Eco-Friendly Couple Breaks Up After Fight Over Plastic Bags

Being eco-friendly is hard enough at any time, but figuring out what can be recycled has somehow become extra stressful during the pandemic. I guess it’s all the takeout stuff. Like pizza boxes. Cardboard, right? Wrong.

Turns out if cardboard is covered in pepperoni grease it’s no longer recyclable. Which I think is pretty short-sighted on the part of the recycled paper industry. You’d buy a notebook with natural bacon scent, wouldn’t you? I would.

Amazon boxes. So. Many. Amazon. Boxes. I should probably recycle them, but then I think, what if I actually end up sending Christmas gifts this year? Then these boxes would come in damn handy. This might be the year. I can just store those boxes under the bed for now because as it turns out, I have space in the bed as well, my partner and I broke up just a few months ago. 

Like most couples we had struggled a bit during the pandemic, what with going from seeing each other for on average 3 hours a week to being essentially in solitary confinement together. It started with small arguments.

Did you use my mask? 

Did you finish the hand sanitizer again?

OMG, you touched the door handle and now you are stroking my face?

But then things started to escalate, and the arguments around our ecological credentials were the worst. Who does not rinse out the pesto jar before putting it in recycling? Who does that? Don’t leave the freezer door open while you stand there, hoping some Ben & Jerrys has magically manifested – global warming is an actual thing you know. But the ultimate nail in the compostable coffin? Plastic bags. Here’s a snapshot of how those arguments went:

Me: Please tell the Instacarter to use paper bags.

Them:  If you have so many opinions about bags, why don’t you go to the store yourself?

Me: If you insist on bringing plastic bags into our eco-haven, please make sure they are recycled afterward.

Them: Plastic bags aren’t actually recyclable. They just clog up the recycling machine.

Me: Typical. You always construct arguments, relying on some faux notion of science to support your bogus theories. 

Them: You could just look it up online.

Me: Online! Yes! That is where truth resides. The internet! Great suggestion, sunshine.

Them: You know, I am tired of this shit. Bye. 

And this is how I ended up with additional bed space to store cardboard boxes. And no more plastic bags in my life. Now, I just need to get the vaccine and get myself on Bamboo Timber – the dating app for the ecologically conscious. 

Lalita Dee
Author: Lalita Dee
Lalita Dee is a writer and comedian originally from Amsterdam. Her observational and narrative humor describes her queer experiences as she navigates her way through the US, the heteropatriarchy, and single motherhood. Her humor has been described as “intelligently hilarious” as well as “some feminist BS."