Fancy Restaurant Responds to Covid Spike by Making Guests Dine Beneath White Tablecloths

NEW JERSEY: At elegant Cherry Hill restaurant, Mon Frére Camembert, guests have come to  expect a classy experience. That’s probably due to their unique offerings of candlelit tables, fine wine, great service and white table cloths. And according to mortician-turned-restaurantmanager, Albert Derd, the table cloths are what really set Mon Frére Camembert apart from other high-end establishments.

“Our guests have always loved our white table cloths,” said Derd while sweating for no reason. “Especially during the pandemic, those table coverings indicate a sterile environment, which is very important when embalming a bod- I mean, eating in a  restaurant.”

He then wiped his brow and snorted. “Sorry, I’m still used to the lingo from my last  job. I offend someone everyday this way…” 

But with everyone being so worried about their safety due to recent spikes, Derd knew that he needed to ponder a solution that would ensure that guests were as safe as possible at MF Camembert.

“I have this creative ritual when I need to find a solution to something. Basically, I get drunk enough to forget the smell of formaldehyde for five minutes. That’s usually when a  lightbulb turns on.” 

Derd’s ritual lead him to an idea that he and no one else describes as “brilliant.”

“They say you should give the people what they want, right?”exclaimed Derd while continuing to look like a  slightly melted piece of cheese. “So if they love the white table cloths and they want more Covid safety, we can force everyone to wear a mask and sit underneath individual white table cloths as they dine! It’s perfect!”

He then did a tiny, awkward jump of excitement. 

When asked if he intended for everyone in the restaurant to look like they were wearing a basic bitch ghost costume, Derd said, “Yes, but without the eye holes.”  

Derd also made it clear that the table cloths would need to stay over guests heads even when they got up to go to the bathroom.

“We have a system in place where all of the waiters say “hotter” and “colder” until they bump into the restroom.”

After being asked if guests would  actually be expected to sit on a toilet with a table cloth over their heads, Derd nodded with  gravitas. “Absolutely. Mon Frére Camembert is a serious restaurant taking a very serious  pandemic seriously. And if that means that every patron has to blindly drag a full table cloth back and forth between their table and the bathroom, then that’s just what they’ll have to do.”

Courtney Blomquist
Courtney is comedian, writer, and occasional photographer in Los Angeles. She's a little bit basic, but also a little bit rad, so it all evens out in the end.