Friend Complaining About Migraine Also Wearing Headband the Size of a Lampshade

It seems like everyone has a professional medical opinion lately, but every friend group has their own dedicated hypochondriac who has been illness-obsessed since way before the pandemic. Thirty-three year old Stacia West of Nashville fills that role with passion. 

“She always has a WebMD tab open on her laptop and phone,” said one friend who asked to be called Jill. She watches all the doctor shows; Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, and even Dr. Pimple Popper to stay abreast on ailments and maladies she definitely has. “And don’t get her started on breasts! She makes me feel her for a new lump she’s found every other day.”

“She made me go with her to buy the morning-after pill when she was still a virgin,” added Cyn from the group who has known Stacia since high school. “All we did was use the bathroom at a frat house and she was convinced she was pregnant.” 

“Just going to brunch with her can be an ordeal,” added Jill. “She’ll do a Ted Talk about all the harmful carcinogens I’m putting in my body from a pumpkin spice latte while smothering her organic vegan dish with Taco Bell Fire sauce from her purse.” 

There are only a handful of restaurants she’ll go to because of all the foods she’s allergic to or sensitive to says Cyn from high school. “Somehow Jack in the Box is one of the only places that doesn’t disrupt her gut health.”

Recently, Stacia has been experiencing headaches. She said she’s never had migraines before and has ruled out everything except a brain tumor. “It feels like my head is in a vice and it’s being squeezed all day.  It’s not until I get home and take a hot shower that I’m finally able to feel relief.”

“Headaches are one of the first signs your body needs something,” Said Dr. Suzanne Thomas. “Has she tried drinking a glass of water? I get paid a lot to tell people to drink more water.”

Dr. Thomas said the majority of doctor visits could be avoided if people followed her checklist. “Drink water, go to bed early, eat something with nutrition, and take off restrictive clothing. If you’re still experiencing symptoms in the morning then give me a call.”

After reluctantly trying everything on the list Stacia was happy to report, “I don’t have a brain tumor! My headband was just too tight!” but was still wearing a headband the size of a lampshade. When asked if she has any plans to stop wearing them she responded, “Heavy is the head that wears the signature headpiece. If you don’t have a little headache, then it’s not big enough.”

Paulina Combow
Author: Paulina Combow
Paulina is an LA-based comedian and writer from Kentucky with 9 years of club experience. You can find her doing Roast Battles at The Comedy Store, and entertaining senior citizens with Laughter on Call. Her writing has been featured in The Washington Post, Nashville Scene, and Reductress.