Can’t believe we surpassed one whole year of the pandemic? Looking at Florida and Texas, wondering why we even need them in the union anyway? Can’t figure out who to bribe with homemade baked goods in order to get a fucking vaccine appointment for CHRIST’S SAKE?
I get blue sometimes too. And if you find a little joy in the mundane, that’s a win, my friend. I want to share with you my way. My gift to you: 25 stupid-sounding words and their made-up definitions that will surely snap you out of a doom spiral. For at least five minutes, anyway.
Cahoots- The sound an owl makes when he/she/they have allergies.
Hootenanny- A square dancing grandma who can heel click.
Bumfuzzle- Butt lint because of the fleece pajama pants you’ve been wearing for the last 10 days.
Gibberjabering- Failing at homemade crafts and angrily stabbing the project with a screwdriver.
Caterwauling- Dusting your walls off with the cat because your boyfriend didn’t buy the Swiffer duster even though you clearly wrote it down on the list.
Taradiddle- Your neighbor Tara singing show tunes in the shower that you secretly plan to murder.
Lollygag- A weird sex thing I am not flexible enough to try. Stop pestering me about it, Seth!
Seth- An absurd name for a male human. Makes me want to gag.
Flibbertigibbet- Your guess is as good as mine.
Malarkey- Joe Biden’s fighting words.
Wabbit- A giant booger.
Ratoon- An opera singer dressed as a saint rat.
Xerts- An atomic fart.
Yarborough- A town in Massachusetts no one knows how to pronounce correctly. It’s wicked annoying, kid.
Bloviate- When you only ate snacks all day and now you can’t poop.
Brouhaha- Fake laughter at your boyfriend’s dumb man jokes.
Absquatulate- When it’s ab day but you lie on your yoga mat in the fetal position for an hour after only doing one set.
Nincompoop- When your boyfriend leaves the toilet seat up for the ninth time this week.
Macaronic- Mac and cheese coma because you didn’t share with your boyfriend. No regrets.
Pronk- The sounds the dishes in the sink make when you drop more dishes in the sink.
Cabotage- A homicidal cabbage.
Godwottery- God weeping at your life decisions.
Spondulicks- Irritating children.
Knurly- Starting your day super early, like at noon.
Buttress- The damn Goddess that you are even though you’ve been a couch potato all day.
Clearly, I have reached the insanity portion of the pandemic. And we were so near the end too… oopsy doopsy!
