Is It Just Me or Is Grandpa’s Vow Renewal Coming off as a Little Desperate?

Listen gramps, I just want to start by saying, You totally should live your best life….but I have to say that this whole vow renewal is coming off as a bit extra. You’re talking to a girl who tried to show up to Coachella so fashionably late that she missed Drake.I  was so devastated, I nearly threw myself off a balcony. Anyways, why have a renewal?  (More a joint birthday party really). 

Like, did you cheat on grandma? She’s is such a girl’s girl. Psh…of course she would stand by her man. Helen’s a ride or die. I get that. Beyonce forgave Jay Z. Totally understand. Personally, I think I’d go to the Elin Nordegren route with the golf club, but I get that. You must want to show grandma that you’re not making eyes at other ladies while Nonni is at water aerobics! 

Or maybe this like an aptitude thing? Is this like a way to prove that you remember the vows and to show that you’re still all there mentally? Grandpa, There’s others ways to prove yourself, you know. Complete the cross word each day. Start doing one of the puzzles we got you. I mean we heard that puzzles keep your brain sharp. 

Oh my gosh, are you or Nonni sick? My horoscope did say to check in on my ride or dies right now. Are you terminal and you want to remind her of the “in sickness and health, for richer for poorer” part of the vows? Is she terminal? Are you broke?

I’m just going to come right out and say it. It just sort of feels like you’re kind of being attention seeking. Like what else could you be seeking from this, fine China? Don’t you have that from your first go around, aka your actual wedding? 

 The thing is, attention garnering is sort of my thing. This seems like you’re picking up my sparkle and rubbing it all over yourself a bit…and I don’t really care for that. Stay in your lane. You’re supposed to wear suspenders and sit in your chair and tell stories. Let someone else get some stage time in this cousin-infested Irish Catholic nightmare of a family! No offense.  

You know my travel blog is about to drop next week after a week of social media build up. I swear to God, if you go viral before I do, I’m going to scream.  I deferred my student loans to take a week long excursion to Bali and it better get more likes than this. Old people, puppies and babies get all this undying adoration…Wait!  I just had a truly genius idea!  Actually grandpa, I am thinking this ceremony is going to be really sweet, so much so, that I’d like to officiate. That way, if you and Nonni go viral, I will too!  

Image: Cut from My Modern Met

Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.