It’s the end of Pride Month, bitches! You know what that means: inappropriate and appropriative copywriting from corporations and their verified corporate accounts. You wanna see a commercial from Chase Bank that references anal sex or fingerbanging? Yes, diva! Slay, mama! It’s the most beautiful time of the year, when rainbow flags adorn water bottles that will later pollute our oceans. And after all, wouldn’t you rather the plastic bottle that kills a species of sea turtle be gay looking? If our coral reefs are being polluted, shouldn’t it be by a coke bottle that says “Queen” on it? In the words of Ruth’s Paul: “everybody’s naked and you’re a drag.”
So where do gay slogans and rainbow tweets and merchandise come from? Why, copywriters, of course! The gay or gay seeming interns posting these slogans may not be hitting the mark, but this pride, you better be hitting the clubs you slutty stupid gay bitch! Whether you’re gay, trans, a lesbian, or some other thing, Peachwave Frozen Yogurt celebrates everything that makes you…you. We’ve got dozens of new ways to top our sexy gorgeous yogurt. So come over and get your toppings, you sexy little bottom!
Remember: Pride started as a riot. That’s why Domino’s Pizza is offering fifteen percent off all carry out orders when you whisper the secret password to the cashier: “Kate Bush.” And if that doesn’t work, you get to sue them for being homophobic! Work, honey! Not to be outdone, Papa John will be performing in his drag debut at the New York City Pride Parade. His name? Mama John. And you’re not gonna wanna miss his legendary serve, diva.
You might be thinking, is this all necessary? Is the commodification of our hard won civil liberties and rights, still under attack to this day, really what the community needs? Does it help us advance in any way? Is it a step forward, or a lateral move? Is this “rainbow capitalism” just another stage of oppression we have to surpass, but this time all dressed up in glitter? Well, does this answer your question? YES, MAMA!
So this Pride, remember that corporations love you approximately one twelfth of the year and copywriters love you even more. So sashay your big gay ass to the store and buy things you don’t need from people who want you dead. Because pride may only come once a year, but we want your money every day, bitch!