Happy Holidays! And welcome home, it’s me, your elderly pet! So glad to have you back home for a few days. I should probably update you on my status. I’m doin’ pretty well. Can’t quite jump as well as I used to, but hey, that’s life. Still great at shitting on the floor. Even better at it now, actually. Been working on it while you were away. Sometimes I do it when I’m upset or tired and sometimes I do it just because I know it gets everyone all revved up. And sometimes things get a little boring without you… not tryin’ to make you feel guilty. I get you had to move to a different city for your “career.” That’s fine. But, your parents and I get lonely. Whatever… you can find a way to make it up to me. We can work something out. If you really want to appease me… you can reach the jar of treats on the counter. None of that organic tooth cleaning nonsense, gimme that good shit.
Alright, what else I got goin’ on these days? Well, got some new eye crust. Not gonna let you clean it up though, no sir. Don’t try and come at my eye with a tissue. Even when I’m sleeping. I don’t want you to touch that shit. I’ll wake up and freak out. I know you’re trying to help me. But when that tissue is comin’ at me, I lose all reason. You and I both know I’m not a creature of rationality and poise. Hey, I’m reactive, what can I say? I can work on it, but at this point in my life, it’s looking like you’re just gonna have to be fine with me having goopy eyes. Sorry. I know it doesn’t look too good. But it’s what we’re dealing with.
What else is new? I have a new favorite spot to sleep in. You know your bed, right where your head goes, on your pillow? Yeah, it’s right there. I just really like the way the sun hits. Nothin’ like a good sunbeam, I’ll tell you that much. Put on a little CNN, climb on that bed with that stair thing your mom bought because she’s sad I’m old and doesn’t wanna deprive me of comfort despite her not wanting me on the beds in the first place… yeah, we’re crusin’, brother,
There’s whispers of the folks gettin’ a new pet pretty soon. Not sure what all that is about. Listen, I know I’m not as exciting as I used to be. I know you folks wanna prepare for the eventuality that I may die one day. But don’t bring some puppy or kitten in here while I’m tryin’ to live my golden years. It’s gonna throw me off-kilter. Fuck with me chi. All I ask is that you remain obsessed with me until I die, be sad about it, then go ahead. Don’t name it after me, though. That shit is sick.