Are you a hipster who hates the taste of PBR? Tired of going to craft breweries and gulping down a terrible tasting drink just to impress your other bandmates? Want to quench your thirst while you use an old camcorder to film your friends skateboarding? Do you love popping off a cap of vinegar and skulling the old boy?
If so- you might want to consider putting down the Rainiers and picking up a bottle of hard kombucha. It will still get you trashed enough to forget your anxiousness at the house show. And you’ll feel healthy enough the next day to text that girl “Hey, saw you at the show.” You can have it all in this life.
June Shine: Acai Berry
If you’re looking for a hipster flavor to go with your hipster beverage choice, consider June Shine. This particular flavor is a nod to the very trendy breakfast- the acai bowl. Of course, all of these kombuchas were made from white people, so bonus points are added for every appropriation. This company has managed to appropriate moonshine into a white narrative and has also taken the month that celebrates the emancipation of slaves into their brand name. Two points.
Strainge Beast: Passion Fruit, Hops, Blood Orange
Though it is not beer, the addition of hops makes it taste like one. It’s a great transition to IPA’s which is great because it sounds cool to order an IPA. Tropical flavors take you from the basement of a co-op to the sandy beaches of somewhere Latinx, which is where every white hipster goes for an “exotic” vacation.
BoochCraft: Apple, Lime, Jasmine
This strange combination of flavors is sure to give you a sour face, as if you were sipping on a chocolate stout. Alcoholic beverage creators are always trying to be way too creative and often choose the cooler sounding thing over quality. Perfect for you trendy babes who are looking to flash your can label, while you secretly plug your nose slurping this stuff down.
Luna Bay: Palo Santo Blueberry
Yes, the white witches are doing it again. They’re disregarding sacred practices and brewing their kombucha with endangered wood. Most palo santo is from freshly cut trees, which means the beneficial oils are not able to fully form onto the resting wood. Again, the trendiness factor flies over actual product quality which is perfect for you hippie hipsters looking to quench your social and alcoholic thirst.
