Help! My Husband’s 23andMe Results Show He’s a Fuckboy

A few months ago, I thought it would be fun for my husband and I to get our DNA analyzed. So I enthusiastically ordered two testing kits from 23andMe; we spat in our respective tubes and mailed them off for our saliva to be tested. Honestly, any concerns I had were about privacy. Privacy, however, was the least of my worries. We received our results back yesterday, and, to my horror, my husband’s results show he has the fuckboy gene! Help!

I’ll admit: I thought for sure he would have a higher than average percentage of Neanderthal DNA, but the fuckboy gene was not something I saw coming. The results don’t specify, but I think his fuckboy gene is totally lying dormant. Maybe?

Okay, sometimes he sends me random dick pics with no context in the middle of the day, but it’s entirely to keep the fire burning in our marriage. I mean, he usually ghosts my sexts back simply because he’s too busy working. Surely.

I have caught him DMing some of those bikini-clad Instagram influencers. Still, he says he’s just asking for more details about the products they are promoting. He’s always been fiscally responsible, doing his due diligence before making any purchase. He works in finance!

And he does have this weird habit of asking Alexa, “you up?” before having her to set the alarm every night. But a nighttime “you up” isn’t a universal fuckboy trait, right?

My apologies if I sound paranoid. I don’t know what to do about my husband’s results. And what if he passes the fuckboy gene onto our children? Will my unborn son be a little douchebag? Will my daughter become a sketchy fuckgirl?

Are there any geneticists out there that can help me better understand the fuckboy gene? Please DM me!

Author: Stephanie Weaver