Men in Hollywood have a bit of a rebound track record. They marry a woman their age, they divorce a decade and a half later, and then they go to their daughter’s college to pick out their next wife. It’s an endless cycle of stress for the young girls, as they constantly have to pretend to care about Van Halen while teaching their father-husband how to take a screenshot on their iPhone 6.
But stress no more, you Billie-Eilish-stanning-teens! There is one less creep on the prowl today as Ben Affleck has decided to date an age-appropriate woman, making him the first man in Hollywood to ever do so.
“They nominated me for the Nobel Prize after those pictures came out of me with my hand on J-Lo’s butt,” Affleck said. “I can’t say I was shocked by the nomination, but I was flattered. I’m glad my hard work at dating women my age is getting recognized. It’s a real sacrifice.”
Some might point out that Ben Affleck dated a 22-year-old in 2018 when he was 45, making his current heroic act seem less noble.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Affleck said. “Didn’t know the #cancel police were in the building! I only dated a 22-year-old for two months! Hollywood Boyz rules say it doesn’t count unless I date her for three!”
Not only is Ben Affleck the first divorced Hollywood actor to date an age-appropriate woman, but his girlfriend is actually older than him by four years.
“Technically, we have to consider him for sainthood because of that one,” the pope said. “Them’s the rules!”
While Ben Affleck makes loving a woman his age look easy, other actors are confused and disgusted by the Bostonian’s lifestyle choices.
“It’s unnatural!” Leonardo DiCaprio said. “Men in Hollywood should never date older women. If your girlfriend is old enough to have seen The Lion King in theatres, she’s too old for you, bro!”
Even non-actors are hurling judgments toward Benny! Guy-who-was-on-a-reality-TV-show Scott Disick was so offended after reading about Ben’s new fling, he became physically ill.
“I have been bed-ridden for the last two weeks since hearing the news about Ben Affleck dating an age-appropriate woman,” Disick said. “I have always lived my life under one rule and one rule only: If she is old enough to order a beer, she has no business here!”
While others might critique Ben for his unconventional choice to date a woman who was born in the 1900s, we celebrate it! You go, Ben! Now you don’t have to explain to your girlfriend how flying was before TSA was invented or how phones used to have cords.
Image: MEGA Agency/Backgrid