“Hey How Are Things!” Types Woman Absolutely Desperate to Get Railed

When Lisa Schmidt texted her acquaintance, Theo, she managed to play it very cool by firing off a simple, five word text: hey how are things! Her nonchalant tone was quite the feat, given the X-rated subtext of her message.

“Between the lines,” explained Lisa, “I was implying that, if Theo was interested, he would be allowed to bend me over the nearest piece of furniture and just go to town.” A true Hemingway of her generation, Lisa managed to pack so much horniness into so few words. 

Lisa’s writerly process for this particular text was a tad unconventional. She recalls drafting up the words in her notes app before even anticipating who the recipient might be. 

“First, I just let the muse do her thing,” Lisa described. “Then, when I saw the masterpiece I produced, I went through my contacts trying to think of who I hadn’t reached out to in a while. You never want to overexpose yourself to anyone in the rotation. 

When Theo received the message, he was at work, but still managed to reply in an equally horny fashion. He went with a tried and true combo of “Hey doin good hbu” plus a smiley face emoticon.

“I wanted to show that I was feeling especially virile that day, but also not get in trouble with my boss if they happened to pass my desk and see what I was doing on company time,” said Theo. 

If questioned on the matter, Theo was prepared to describe his text conversation as “networking.” Considering that Theo and Lisa met two years ago through mutual work friends, this wasn’t entirely untrue. Except in their case, the trajectory of their texts was launching toward a messy situation including a trip to CVS for some Plan B.  

By the time Lisa received Theo’s reply, however, fifteen entire minutes had passed, which encouraged her to pull a veteran move: rather than keep the ball in Theo’s court, she copy and pasted the message to ten other people in her contacts. Ten lucky recipients all received identical hey how are things inquiries.

“I decided to expand the proposition into a first-come, first-served situation.”

In the end, the person she met up with later that night was her landlord’s cousin’s college roommate. 

“I got exactly what I wanted, even if it didn’t go down as I initially planned,” said Lisa with a smile on her face. 

As for Theo? He vows to never let another opportunity like that get away. “I’m never putting down my phone again for as long as I live. Do you think Lisa will ever text me back? Tell her I’m down. I’m so down.”

At this, Theo balked and regrouped himself. “I mean, uh, tell her I asked, how are things.”

Mary Gulino
Author: Mary Gulino
Mary is an LA-based writer from New Jersey whose work can be seen online and on TV (unless you count streaming platforms as online, in which case, it's all online). She got glasses when she was two, and would love to talk optometry sometime.