“How Dare You Insinuate I Drink Too Much!” Yells Your Belligerently Wasted Aunt

Oh, God. Before you know it, it’s going to be the holidays, which means you’ll be with your entire extended family…including that one aunt of yours. Oof, that aunt. She’s totally fine…until she whips out the Grey Goose. Yes, you’d call her “animated” or “expressive” (to put it nicely) when she’s sober, but once the juice hits, she’s onto criticizing your career and insulting the latest fashion trends (that you so happen to be wearing). 

It’s been too long of this debauchery, and you finally decide to call her out—gently though, because you don’t want to wake the beast. It gets to that point in the night where she pulls you aside and asks you what you’re really doing with your life, and you calmly, yet firmly make a subtle comment about how much she’s had to drink. Mistake of the century. She violently stands up, her Chico’s duster knocking over her glass, and yells, “How dare you insinuate I drink too much!” 

A hush falls over the room. She’s literally proven your point in a matter of three seconds. You try your hardest not to laugh, but it’s too good. Her vodka soda is all over the table and rug, and even your baby nephew is giggling away. 

“What a hot damn mess,” you think to yourself. But I mean, is there anything else to say? She rushes out of the room; well, stumbles. You smile to yourself, partially because you can proudly say “I was right,” but also because you can now enjoy some of the Grey Goose she left behind, knowing damn well you’ll never reach her level of intoxication. Well…you might get close, but at least you’ll just be giving your cousins too many hugs as opposed to fighting over who gets the house in the Hampton’s this summer. You’ve got this.

Anna Snapp
Author: Anna Snapp
Anna is a Brooklyn-based actor and writer, trying to figure which is more important to her: taking down the men on dating apps who refer to themselves as "humble", or watching enough terrible reality TV to officially lessen her value. Anna believes in progressive politics, Dua Lipa, and mediocre boxes of Sauvignon Blanc.