How to Achieve Bouncy Romantic Curls…For Nobody to See Because You’ve Been Avoiding Human Contact Since March 2020

Just because there’s a pandemic, doesn’t mean you can’t revel in luxurious, romantic, bouncy curls. Here are some styling tips to achieve your dream hair even though you’ve avoided almost 100% of human contact since March of 2020. 

The first step is obviously a strong but gentle shampoo or co-wash. Make sure to really get in there and scrub at that scalp of yours, even if nobody is going to see how clean and healthy your roots are. Maybe you’ll make eye contact at the grocery store this time? But probably not. Still too hard. Is COVID spread through eye contact? Google keeps telling you no, but can you really trust the internet?

They also told you this would only last two weeks. And Doctor Fauci has not emailed you back. Is docor@fauci.gov really his email address, or is that just another lie from the internet? Better play it safe and keep sending those questions to him. Everything is hard. You haven’t heard the laughter of another human being in 13 months. You are developing a parasocial crush on your neighborhood UPS driver. Time to condition! 

Make sure to use a conditioner to detangle and smooth. With a wide-tooth comb or your fingers, gently comb through any knots and rinse out after a few minutes. While the conditioner soaks into your hair, think about the next time you’re gonna go on a date or be in any social situation, and start crying. This should take a few minutes while the conditioner does its job! 

Now that you’re cleaned and conditioned, hop out of the shower, even though it feels like there’s no point. Apply a strong hold gel to those locks and SCRUNCH! As you rake the product through your hair evenly, remember all the times you passed up going outside to stay in before the pandemic. Think of a time when you could go to a bar and not contract a life-threatening illness that has ravaged the globe. Now it’s time to diffuse! 

Remember to flip your hair upside down for added volume, just as our world has turned itself upside down in the wake of a new disease. Isn’t that insane? That’s fucking crazy. I feel like we forgot how insane that is, that there’s a NEW DISEASE. Is it really new? It’s a year old. Oh, no.. Oh, God. I can’t do this. But I will. Move the diffuser to different sections of your hair absentmindedly until it’s 90% dry or the smell of burning hair removes you from your fugue state. Then finish with oil for some added shine and bounce! 

Ta-da! A head of perfectly glossy and bouncy curls that nobody is going to see, unless you go to the supermarket or do a Zoom, but who has the energy for that? Jesus Christ. I have to go drink a bottle of wine and watch Grey’s Anatomy. Good luck. I miss you.

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.