How to Achieve Effortless Beach Waves in 10 Devastatingly Complex Steps

Summer may be over, but that doesn’t mean the fun has to end! Tired of drab autumn hair? Spice things up with a beachy throwback. Everyone will think you’ve been rolling in the sand and surf, but in reality, you’re a liar. Here’s how to achieve effortless beach waves in 10 devastatingly complex steps. 

1. Have hair that’s already kind of wavy or straight in a way that is receptive to products. I know what you’re thinking: isn’t that up to genetics, and not me? Yes. I don’t know why you’re already giving me attitude. Just listen to me. You came to ME for advice. If I didn’t know what I was doing, would I be allowed to publish it on the internet? No. 

2. Start filling the bottom of your car with sand so everyone thinks you’ve been spending time at the beach lately, thereby planting the seed of your lie. Now you have plausible deniability. Nobody can prove you aren’t beachy and fun.

3. Lure a seagull into your yard. This involves going to a beach or a McDonald’s parking lot where seagulls scavenge for french fries and coaxing it back to your property using a string and a Filet-O-Fish. You’ll probably get more than one! 

4. Keep feeding the seagulls. They will try to get into your home. Do not let them. Now you have cultivated a beachy vibe! 

5. Dampen your hair and gently detangle any knots. Get your spray bottle of ocean water. Wait, sorry. Hold on. I missed one. 

6. Get a bottle of seawater! I recommend filling a large cooler or keeping it in your bathtub. You won’t be able to use your bathtub, but that’s the price you pay for beach waves.

7. Spray the seawater into your hair, stopping only to remove any microorganisms you may have picked up from the sand or sea. 

8. Blow dry on high heat with a diffuser for way too long. Like, longer than feels necessary. Trust me, keep going. Trust me. 

9. The seagulls will be hungry again by now; head out to the yard and scatter some feed for those little guys!

10. Invite your closest friends and family over to see how a real-life land mermaid lives! Ariel who? That bitch has nothing on you!

I am not liable for any accidents or injuries that may occur as a result of this beauty regimen. Do not contact me if you have been bitten by a seagull, crab, seal, sea lion, fish, etc. I will not pick up the phone. I will not respond to your emails. It’s not my fault you chose to listen to me. Now get back down to the wharf and start shoveling sand into your purse. 

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.