How to Act in Emergency Situations When Even Your Family Thinks You’d Die First in a Horror Movie

During a recent family Facetime call, and a hypothetical game about apocalyptic survival situations, my brother said to me “Well, we all know you wouldn’t last a day.” I bristled. “Not true! I would make sand art! I would entertain you with characters and bits and coconut dances!”After a long pause he quietly uttered, “Exactly.” It led me on a deep dive, and caused me to confront all the reasons my brother may, in fact, be right.

1. Every Buzzfeed quiz I’ve taken said I wouldn’t last a day. Buzzfeed and my brother agree. I’m the Drew Barrymore of Scream, the horse head in the Godfather, I died of dysentery my first day on the Oregon trail…

2. The contents of my earthquake kit are questionable. I bought one of those pre-made backpacks with all the supplies inside…. and promptly took out the flashlight and some of the water-sanitizer tablets to replace them with jarred artichokes, a few cans of skin contact wine, Ritz crackers, oracle cards, and an embroidery kit. I’ve always wanted to get around to crafting.

3. I once thought I was being followed by a man in the park in Brooklyn. I made a game plan for if he got close to me- I would throw my earbuds at him. They weigh less than an ounce. I’m glad he wasn’t in fact following me, and I didn’t in fact have to defend myself with headphones that weigh less than a feather.

4. I slept through so many fire alarms in college, the RA threatened to write me up. And then, the one time I actually woke up, the firemen were so proud they let me sit in the firetruck! #worthit

5. I once got stuck inside my own shirt. After a struggle of ten minutes that included tears, sweat and literally trying to bite myself out of it, I remembered my husband was home, downstairs, and able to help me pull the blouse off.

6. We live in Los Angeles and have experienced numerous earthquakes. Every earthquake makes me giggle then panic, as I wildly try out different positions of where I’m supposed ride out the seismic shift. Is it the doorway? Bathtub? Some sort of wedge shape? WHERE DO I GOOOO?! I’ve never figured it out by the time the earth has stopped twerking. (Referring to earthquakes as “twerking” are another fail entirely…)

7. We made three outside-the-house meeting plans in case of emergency and I literally have no clue where any of them are.…but if I eventually find it, I’ll have the wine and bits and crafts for all!

Susan-Kate Heaney (Los Angeles, CA) @sue_kate Susan-Kate Heaney is an actor (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, The Mindy Project, Masters of Sex), writer (multiple one-woman shows, webseries, movies) and new mom (Clover). She loves comedy and performs live often (improv, stand-up, sketch). She is the host of a podcast called "The Quirks" and spoiler alert... she has many of them. ​