You’re not going anywhere this summer. And passing judgement on everyone else who’s risked getting on a plane for some beach time isn’t as fulfilling as you thought it might be. So now your only choice is to succumb to delusion à la Blanche Dubois and convince yourself that you’re on a fancy vacation living your best life. Hey, you’re the one who’s always yammering on about manifesting, so clutch your $60 amethyst and conjure up your place in the sun, witch! Here are some suggestions to help you access the unmoored happy place your therapist keeps warning you about.
1) Watch How Stella Got Her Groove Back Even if having a hot tryst with a sexy man when you’re “old enough to be his mama” isn’t your own personal vacation fantasy, it will be while watching this movie. Just shut up and live vicariously through Angela Bassett. This is a must.
2) Fill Your Living Room With Sand Like Brian Wilson Did Some people need to bring the beach inside because they’re writing a legendary album, and some people need to do it because the beach is filled with ignorant mouth-breathers. Whatever your reason may be, you definitely won’t get a sunburn.
3) Walk Around Your Neighborhood Like a Rich Bitch at a Fancy Resort
Wear a very, VERY large sunhat ( I said BIG, damnit) and a kaftan with some espadrilles. If your sunhat is big enough, it should do the trick in forcing people to stay six feet away. Now sashay over to your local park and jump into the public fountain. Splash around. This should make you feel like you’re in a Fellini movie, which means you’ll feel like you’re in Italy. See? Even delusion has some logic to it.
4) “Yes And” with Your Roommate to Recount the Amazing Things You Didn’t Actually Do Yes, we sipped champagne on a sexy yacht, and we watched a shark named Corona eat an anti-masker.
5) Buy White Sheets for Your Bed The gray ones you bought so you don’t have to wash them every week don’t exactly scream five-star hotel, you dirty rodent.
6) Without Going to Restaurants, Dinner Might Be a Challenge But… Just pretend you’re the entire downstairs staff of Downton Abbey and get the job done while bantering with yourself in a British accent. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think there’s another good option. You’ll be slumming it, but in a British way, so it’s still kinda classy. Once Mr. Barrow (you are Mr. Barrow- you are all the characters) has brought the meal to the table, you’ll have to run and put on your luxury vacation dress. At this point, you can be either Lady Mary or Lady Gaga. Who cares as long as you’re rich, stylish, and relaxed? Now laugh at your own wit and toast yourself. Yes, that means drinking two glasses of wine at once.