How to Make an Asteroid Hitting Earth “Not So Bad”

Businesses in cities across America began boarding up their doors and windows this week in anticipation of a disastrous double event: an asteroid hurtling towards the Earth and the civil unrest expected to erupt after Election Day.

What will it look like if the worst happens? We’ve compiled a list of essential steps to ensure that your family has the greatest chance at survival.

The asteroid, identified two years ago and named 2018vp1, is described as a refrigerator-sized hunk of iron and nickel. If you’re trying to keep your mind off the fridge, well now there’s one flying toward us at 26,000 mph. 

The Chixculub asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs and killed 75% of all life on earth, but if they had followed the tips in this article it wouldn’t have been so bad.

1. Go buy some rain boots. The new blast would throw dirt and debris into the air, creating a dust cloud that could partially block out the sun, followed by wildfires, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions, so you’ll need them. The good Hunter ones though, don’t cheap out. 

2. Get down. Your best chances of surviving the initial blast are to be underground when it happens. A basement or buried shipping work best. Don’t forget a sophisticated air filtration system. If you hate wearing a mask now, you’re going to wish you died in the shockwave once you have to share your dad’s CPAP machine with a family of five for fresh oxygen. 

3. Collect as much nonperishable food and water as you can. No one knows how long this cosmic winter will last. You should also join some doomsday prepper Facebook groups.  You’re going to have to let a lot of stuff slide in those groups. You’ll hear some wild theories, but keep scrolling for the good stuff like how to make a gas mask from a Wal-Mart bag. 

4. Adopt a canary. Your pandemic puppy is great (I’m following her on the Gram) but she won’t save you from carbon monoxide poisoning. Miners used to take canaries down into coal mines with them to warn them of toxic fumes. If you have access to an abandoned coal mine, move your family and canary in there. 

5. Lastly, if you want to thrive and not just survive, then find the asteroid after it hits. The majority of the space rock will vaporize, but any leftover pieces are rich in iron, nickel, and possibly diamonds. It’s worth a fortune! Scientists discovered an asteroid in our solar system they estimate is worth $10 quintillion dollars in metal. That’s more than all of earth’s economies combined and almost as much as Jeff Bezos made this year.

Paulina Combow
Author: Paulina Combow
Paulina is an LA-based comedian and writer from Kentucky with 9 years of club experience. You can find her doing Roast Battles at The Comedy Store, and entertaining senior citizens with Laughter on Call. Her writing has been featured in The Washington Post, Nashville Scene, and Reductress.